Random Thoughts 12.20.11

- I was talking to my ex & he totally judged me for being a different woman now. He says when we were dating, cooking & cleaning was the last thing on my mind. I'm allowed to change, right?
- I'm excited to be cooking Christmas & New Year's dinner. Wish we were having some company though.
- I found my purple pen, so now I can write my pen pal.
- Christmas is 5 days away & I'm only excited about watching "A Christmas Story" & "Elf"; using my sewing machine, & cooking.
- Lipstick is a new love. Especially pink ones since I've gotten lighter with the cold weather.
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My new love: Thrifting.

I have recently started visiting thrift stores & have found some greaaaat pieces! When my sister was here this past week, we went to our local Goodwill & she picked up a Nikon camera for $10.50 (and it works perfectly), a Nike workout vest for $5.00, and a Starter pullover for $6.00. Earlier in the week we went to another thrift store and we got a Chaps mens sweater for $6.00, a vintage Wrangler jean jacket for $4.00, a sweater from the 80s (she absolutely loves it btw), and some other things I can't remember.

My only dilemma is that I never find pieces that I need in my closet or that can be a re-vamp project. Hopes that changes since I have my sewing machine now.
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Update on life.

* My mother has been out of work for just about 2 months with tendinitis & I've been taking care of her. She's milking this cow to the bone.
* I GOT MY SEWING MACHINE!! WalMart had it on sale for Black Friday for $50. Can we say SCORE?!!
* I seriously can't wait to create pieces. I have all these ideas in my head & I can not wait to make them tangible!
* A couple weeks back I brought some 10 inch weave & sewed it in.... I took it out the next day because my real hair was about 2 inches longer than it. I'm in hair length denial.
* I have not 1 plan for New Year's Eve and it kind of makes me sad.
* My new motto for 2012: No obstacle is too big.

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Inspired.

I was originally going to name this entry '2013 & I'm out of here!', but I was recently inspired. For the longest, I've been talking about leaving Virginia for New York or anywhere honestly. I always find some reason as to why I can't leave right now or in the near future and sometimes they are legit reason, but last night my sister's friend completely inspired me to do it! He said & I quote "I went to NY with a bag & $40. I haven't came back home for anything since!". Shocked & amazed, I felt like such a fool for making all these excuses as to why I couldn't just uproot myself & leave. I have family I could stay with, a hustle that is legal & produces a decent amount of money, and the determination to not want to stay in this state (physically & mentally)any longer. As soon as my mom is back to 110%, I'm doing it! No obstacle is too big! (That's my 2012 motto).
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Part 2 of I let go & he got married.

Forgot to add earlier that his new wife is pregnant annnnd he just posted the sonogram on Facebook. I think I need him out of my life completely.
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I want to go shopping!!

I need a job. I have never been a girl who loved shopping until I couldn't afford to do it. I'm almost (like coming up to the breaking point) ready to get a job anywhere so I can go shopping. And pay off all these new medical bills I accrued for being sick this Summer. (Is paying bills 'shopping'?) I need to pay all my debt off so I can go ahead with my plans to get out of Virginia (upcoming post on that).

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I let go & he got married.

Am I the only one with that one ex who no matter what, has always came back? It didn't matter what the situation was, but after the breakup, you knew there was still a chance?

So I randomly was browsing my Facebook news feed & I see that he changed his status from 'Engaged' to 'Married'. I knew about his engagement, straight from him and with me still having feelings & being jealous (still working on that) I just knew it wasn't going to happen. He even said he was kind of not in a rush to not go thru with it for some unknown reason. On one hand I thought/wished he would want to give us a try again.. But on the other hand, he said he was happy.

He's called me once before he got married and once after. I really don't even want to talk to him, guess that's why I've missed both calls and haven't called him back. Oh well, another one bites the dust.
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All of the 'Ifs'.

-If I had my own place, the plans I have for the weekend would be to do a little dinner party for my homeboy's birthday.
-If I lived in NY/NJ, going to my cousin's birthday party wouldn't be a second thought.

Those are 2 major 'Ifs' I wouldn't have to think about, but I do. Can't change them at the moment, but I will.

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Randomness for October?

Okay, I'm going to try to sum up this month in this 1 post without it being too long.... And here we go!

• First couple of weeks sucked: I looked for work & just chilled.
• Went to NY for 2 weeks & it was decent.
• Came back home and tried to get back in the groove of things but that took a week or so.
• My best friend move to NJ & invited me to move in with him. Seriously thinking about taking up his offer.
• Still having the want & desires to make clothes. Btw, I went to the now famous Mood Fabric Store in NY & fell in complete love with it.
• As of now, I'm still looking for work & getting kinda desperate for money since the holidays are coming around.
• Thanksgiving in NY and I'm beyond hype about that.

Change is good. Depression is bad.

I know I've been gone for a min. But I'm back with a vengeance (maybe). Today I was just reflecting on some things & with that I ran across a journal entry from January of this year & I'm so happy to not be in that place anymore. Depression is just horrible & I hated not feeling like my normal self. But for those people out there still suffering, you have my sympathy. I know all too well how it feels to want to just scream but its not enough.

My thoughts in January were all dark, scary, and suicide based. I was so unhappy with my life that I wanted to end it yet I felt like I couldn't do that to my family. Something that stood out to me today was:

I laugh when I really want to cry, I say something because the silence is killing me. I say nothing because the silence is comforting. I cry when the laughs aren't enough.

Sometimes I still feel like that, but I'm not wanting to hide from myself or my family & friends. So I'm doing a whole lot better & giving this life thing a chance.

9.26.11 End of Day Randoms

• Pepperoni pizza almost killed me today.
• I haven't had beef since 2005 & pork since 2008.
• It was my fault because I shouldn't of ate it, but that pain I experienced is what I hope giving birth DOES NOT feel like.
• My ex boyfriend I haven't seen in over 6yrs popped up to see me at home. He's such a different person, change looks good on him.
• Accomplished step 1 of getting rid of that jealousy bug & congratulated him on the new baby. He said it was weird to hear me say that.
• We had a decent conversation before he had to leave. It was so good seeing him today.
• What is with these places that are hiring telling people to not to call to check the status of applications?
• Found a sewing machine on Craigslist for $40! I'll be calling that lady this weekend!
• I learned how to do a fishtail braid today. I don't think anyone understands how excited I am about knowing how to do this.
• I've been wanting to do this type of braid for about 6yrs & even in hair school the teacher couldn't show us how to do it.
• Click any of those last 2 links to see my hair post on the fishtail braid if you're interested on learning it!
• I found a picture dated for 10/2/2010 of my best friend & myself & I had the same type braids in that I have in now.
• I don't think that date is right because I wasn't chilling with her like that last October, I'm thinking it was 2/10/10.
• I'm about to start calling all guys hunks & honey..... Then again, maybe not. They may think I'm down to fuck when I'm really not.
• Eczema spots on my leg & neck is murdering me. The urge to itch is horrible.
• My tummy still feels weird from the attempted pepperoni homicide earlier.
• Listened to Phonte's Charity Starts At Home mixtape & dope doesn't even describe it well enough. Love it from top to bottom, no skips.
• I can't wait for the day I can create something that I can wear proudly & have someone compliment me on it. Is that vain?

9.25.11 Randoms

• I've been sleeping a whole lot recently.. Idk if it's the weather change or what, but sleep is #1 these days.
• I wish my mother would stop wanting to talk about my paternal grandmother's failing health. I just don't want to come to the fact that she is dying.
• I need a get away from life for like a hour or so... Drugs can do that right?
• My mother got mad at me for telling her to stop bringing up my Grandma (which seemed like) every 5 minutes this weekend.
• Prayer works, right?
• I'm super bored.. If gas wasn't so high, I would love to just drive around for a little bit.
• Doing hair Friday afternoon/evening. Possibly Saturday too.
• Thanksgiving plans have changed: was going to stay home & cook, but we'll be in NYC for Thanksgiving. I ain't mad at all.
• Still looking for a quick, mind freeing get away.
• Got a couple phone calls to make tomorrow morning, checking the status of some applications. Always fun -__-

Just stupid...

Why is it that it's more acceptable seeing a underage girl pregnant? I get weird looks like something is wrong with me since I'm over 21 & don't have any kids. Not saying I'm better than anyone, but having kids when you can't afford to care for them is just stupid & I won't put myself or a baby in this situation. I hear and see too many times about mothers who can barely support their families and I don't want that to be me.

(Re: this minor rant (is this a rant?) has been brought to you by church this morning where a 13yr old girl is currently pregnant & thoughts/past experiences where I was questioned about my age & current parental status)

9.22.11 Randoms

• I did a good deed today! I'm even proud of myself.
• Cooked dinner for my grandma.... Then turned around and cooked dinner at home.
• I'm seriously pooped.
• Something about my ex-bf commenting on my FB is confusing.......
• I want to add more people to my 2nd Facebook, but I'm thinking about deleting both profiles altogether.
• I made buttery potatoes & they are DELISH. I may share that recipe if I'm asked.
• Just randomly started reciting Wale lyrics.. I can't remember the song title or who else is featured......
• I also made some of the stickiest, sweetest, crunchiest bbq chicken wings in my entire cooking history.
• So happy that my weight loss is visible.... Now to work on that working out thing -__-
• I figured out what Wale song it was... Rather Be With You <--- click that & listen!
• I want to have one last cookout of the year before it gets too cold. Maybe invite some folks over to enjoy my cooking.
• My mother won't even care as long as I cook enough for the week.
• Facebook & these questions/numbers games bore me... Yet I want to join in: bittersweet.
• Listened to Kanye most of the day.. That guy is amazing.
• Rethinking the whole deleting of my Facebook idea............
• I'm sleepy.... Good night!

9.21.11 Random Thoughts

• Finally updated my hair blog.. <---click that! It has pics!
• That spot where I had my shingles rash feels funny. The doctor said that would happen, ugh.
• I've applied to a couple holiday jobs, hopefully something pans out so I can have some regular money for a couple months.
• I cleaned & rearranged my room last Friday. It's back to being messy all over again. Smh.
• I love that I can get up & have to do NOTHING to my hair. Let's see how long that lasts.
• I feel like I'm becoming more of a prude. That's a change I'm not sure I'm okay with.
• I'm not saying I was/am Miss Lucy Goosey, but I'm very open about sex.
• I feel like I have a stomach virus. This just needs to stop.
• Just noticed that ever sentence before this one, except 2, start with I. I guess that's okay since I am talking about myself.
• Ebony decided she would talk in 3rd person from this point forward.
• Ebony gave someone the title of boyfriend, when that person isn't even her boyfriend. Why would she do such a thing?
• She also said that she needs to change her toenail polish. Ebony stays doing her nails.
• Is Ebony annoying you by speaking in 3rd person?
• Okay, I'm done with that.
• Doing my little cousin's hair tomorrow... Yay?

9.18.11 Randoms

• I have been braiding my hair since Friday and I'm still not done.
• I love going to lunch with older people. They always pay & you learn something.
• Went to church today after missing about 8 Sundays in a row.
• We got some cuteness @ church, specifically in the Music Department. Just *licking fingers*
• I had a dream that my cut buddy got shot & died, but what stands out the most is his aunt telling me that I love him and that I needed to tell him.
• Some guy at church, came up to me & said "I like these braids *grabs hair* They are very poetic... justice.." I didn't even get mad, just laughed!
• I cooked that French fried onion fried chicken for dinner today & it isn't half bad!
• You know how most people say rejection just makes them go harder for what they want? Yeah, not for me.
• Trey Songz was a better singer when he had braids. Now he's just something to look at (which is a good thing), but his singing is just bleh.
• I already know what I'm getting for Christmas.

My "Teeth issue"

Let me give you the background story: I was between 5 or 8, my mother, my cousins, my aunt, & myself were out to eat at some restaurant after hitting the mall. Our waiter had as I yelled "rabbit teeth". I pointed dead in this man's face and screamed loud enough for everyone to hear "HE HAS RABBIT TEETH! LOOK MOM, RABBIT!". I don't remember when or what happened after that except I got a beating for doing that.

Ever since that day (I'm guessing), I had a issue with people and their teeth. I get highly disgusted when I see someone with a mouth full of NO. Especially a cute guy. All throughout school, I only liked guys with nice teeth. I think it was about Junior year in HS that I realized my issue with teeth. Now as an adult, a nice pair of chompers are #1 on my list of likes. My thing for teeth is so bad that one of my best friends wanted to set me up on a double date with her boyfriend's best friend that she damn near had to beg me to go out with the man because he had yuckmouth. I did go on the date because he was good company, but that was our first & last date. His teeth were just too much NO. And by NO I mean yellow, plaque crusted, stank breath, and jumbled. You can have a set of teeth that are mismatched, but at least make sure I can't see the cheese on them & you keep them white. I can appreciate that.

Anyway, after all these years of having this issue my mother apologized for helping me have this issue. She said that she should of explained to me why it was wrong instead of beating me. Then said, "Ebony, you can date anyone no matter how their teeth look." I was like you're crazy! I've been living with this for about 20yrs now and you're a little too late. I am glad that she actually realized she's the reason behind this issue though.

9.14.11 End of day Randoms

• Went to the doctor's today and got a decent report... Lost a couple pounds and my shingles are just about gone. I'm excited.
• While in the doctor's office I picked up a March or May 2011 InStyle Magazine, skimming the pages I see Kim K. & Kris Humphries and I read the caption. She's 5'2" & he's 6'9". How do these super short women get these super tall dudes? A tall woman like myself (5'11.5") needs something 6'9" and up to feel small. But 6ft is good enough for me, even 5'11".
• 16 yrs ago my mother came home with this little lightskinned, grey eyed creature named Malik. I watched him grow to become the almost man that he is today. Happy Birthday lil big brother.
• People really take Twitter serious.
• I had a chicken philly today and oh my lawd, I missed that so much.
• I had to add the .5 to my height... That's my true height.
• I miss wearing heels every other day.
• Cushioned platform pumps are everything and I need 2 pairs (black & nude).
• Watched some of Dr. Oz's "Arsenic in Apple Juice" episode today and OH MY G! I will never ever ever drink apple juice again.
• Yum. Yum. Yum. Common is on Jon Stewart's show right now. That's one fine man.
• I listened to most of Watch The Throne and I feel bamboozled. Otis isn't even up there, what type of bull is that?
• I also downloaded my guilty pleasure song........ Well a new one.

9.12.11 Randoms

• Listening to Pandora, Ryan Leslie station and Nas' "Still Dreaming" comes on... I love that song.
• I'm so tired of being sick.. UGH!
• Finally painted my toes after about 3 days of naked nails.
• I hate naked toe nails..
• Still confined to the house since I am technically still contagious.
• My medication for the shingles cost so damn much.
• If $100,000 dropped into my back pocket I would have 0 complaints & no debt.
• My debt isn't even a 3rd of that.. So the rest would go to my "wants".
• Could I possibly go to Federal Prison for owing the IRS $2,500?
• Since I did my toes, my hair doesn't have a chance of getting flat ironed at all..
• Working on a surprise b'day present for my little brother......
• This weekend, I'm braiding my hair up.. I can't deal with it & these fevers at the same time.
• Talked to one of my exes this past week and he has matured so much. Good to know time does change some people.
• He kept telling me about his fiancée and the jealous monkey on my back didn't allow me to congratulate him.
• Still working on that jealously thing, btw.
• I read on Tumblr (I think) that black women will be single and unmarried if they keep waiting on black men & that they need to try outside their race. I have no problem with dating another race, but men (in general) don't approach me. Well the right type of guy doesn't approach me: either he's old enough to be my father, too short for my liking, or just interested in sex.
• And I do see some sexy white guys I would love to swirl with..
• Spoke to another ex Saturday night and he was pissed that I haven't called him even though I was sick.. I love when people are mad with me..
• I'm not even the type to complain about being sick, so if I'm not calling you or if you call to come see me and I'm sick.. Best believe something is really wrong.
• Seriously, $100,000 and I'm set.

Randoms for the first day of school....

• I'm not in school but my lil big brother is, starting Junior year in HS. Time has definitely flew.
• So, I spent about 4 hrs in the emergency room yesterday to figure out why I have still been feeling sick & getting fevers: SHINGLES.
• What's crazy about all this is that I've had the chicken pox 2 times as a kid and with me getting the tonsillitis, that virus woke up the chicken pox in my system.
• Shingles fact: 1 in 5 people who have had chicken pox will get shingles. How the hell did I get chose?
• This little girl from church whose hair I do, called my mother a total of 8 times in the past 4 days to try to get her hair done for school.... YESTERDAY. How rude is that? You wait until the holiday/last day because you were out of town. Whose to say I would have been in town?
• Then her mother called my house to speak to my mother like I'm lying about being sick.
• I swear I hate people. If I'm telling you I'm sick, guess what? I'M FUCKING SICK. Leave it at that.
• The tonsillitis cleared up by the way. AWESOME.
• That IV I had in hurt. (Yeah I'm a punk)
• Watching AMTV (videos on MTV in the morning), this is so different from the MTV I watched when I was 10.
• Hearing Anthony Kedis' voice is refreshing.... Red Hot Chili Peppers.
• I'm going back to sleep since it's still early.

You said do what?

So this weekend was actually decent outside of getting/being sick the last 24-32 hours. Friday night my mother & I went to go see my grandma in the hospital (she had a full mastectomy & it went well) and while we were there I got to see my uncles & aunts. One of my uncles, I'll call him Uncle Black Sheep Free Thinker was trying to enlighten me on the ways of the World. This is our exact dialogue:

Uncle BSFT: So you don't work? Or have health insurance? Why don't you get on WIC?

Me & other family members: She/I can't get on welfare unless I have a kid.

Uncle BSFT: So why don't you have one? You're what, 25?

Me: Yeah. Are you listening to yourself?

Uncle BSFT: Don't you hear it? *makes tick-tock sounds*

Me: Of course I hear it, but I can't afford to have kids. I can't even afford a $70 phone bill.

Uncle BSFT: That's why you have a good baby daddy.

Me: Do you hear what you're saying? Excuse my french, but niggas don't take care of kids like they are supposed to. I know too many girls my age & younger who had kids to keep a nigga and are out here raising them by their selves. I don't want that struggle.

Uncle BSFT: I was just saying, you get on welfare and at least I would know where my taxes are going to. And if the dude wouldn't take care of the baby, that's when you have us handle that.

Me & my mother: That's not going to do anything. *Mom only* When that baby needs a crib, diapers, and bottles; who is going to be able to get that? Not me & definitely not her.

Uncle BSFT: That's when the child support is supposed to kick in.

Right then I just changed the subject. How can you tell your unemployed, still living at home with her mother, 25 yr old niece to get pregnant so that I can get welfare? Not dissing anyone who needs assistance from the government, but you would think he would want better for me. Then again, nope he doesn't. This is the same man who said to my younger cousin, "I can't believe my sister has 2 daughters, over the age of 21, and none of them have kids. That's shocking." Why is that shocking? You should be proud of that. Obviously, we were raised pretty good.

Outside of that little talk, I had a good time catching up with the fam. It's a shame I really don't see them and they live so close.. But that happens when your family is full of thieving, lying, conniving niggas.

9.2.11 Randoms

• Yesterday was the first day since I've left the house while sick. I felt great until I got a fever..
• I have officially been sick for 2 weeks and it's a off and on thing.
• Today will be the 2nd day I leave the house and I'm hoping that I don't get a fever while I'm out.
• My toe nail color has been the same for about 3 weeks. That's not normal for me.
• I haven't worn lipgloss or lipstick in 2 weeks.
• Being way too old for a Christmas list, I told my family if they get me anything this year, make sure it's a sewing machine.
• I got my bill for my ER visit yesterday: $450 for 3 liquid Tylenols, a strep test, and that's about it. Not having medical insurance is a bitch.
• I have a spot of eczema on the nape of my neck that is soooo not sexy and it hurts.

Today is????

• Idk what today is.
• Labor Day weekend & I'll be doing NOTHING.
• I actually like "Otis" now (after seeing the video a dozen times)
• Since the VMAs aired, I've been lowkey obsessing about Beyonce & Jay's baby. I don't even like them.
• I kinda hate when people ask "how far/close do you live from *insert Virginia city*"
• I'm still sick with Tonsillitis, but it's a off & on thing.
• I washed my hair 3 days ago, yet I've done nothing to my hair.
• When did you need a "membership" to go to a Free Clinic? VA sucks ass.
• Antibiotics are heavenly with devil worship mixed in.
• I have been bribed to leave the house for a milkshake. I really really really would love a milkshake though.
• Everything (bed linens, hoodies, sweaters) smells like my sweat.
• It's "cuffing season" and someone I know got caught up.. I'm glad for her though lol.
• Green toe nail polish may be making me feel sicker. Is that possible?
• My best friend is moving to NJ in October & I'm so jealous and excited for him.

Update on my life!

6 days later....

Hi again! How are you? How's your family? How's your spleen? Was it affected by today's earthquake? Did it survive? Cool or awww, I'm sorry to hear that.

The family's DC trip was decent..... Except for Thursday night to Saturday when I got sick. Kept having fevers, barely ate, and my throat was hurting so bad. The trip ended Saturday afternoon when we made that long yet short voyage back to VA. So another 28/40 hours go by and finally I decided to go to the emergency room to find out I have tonsillitis. They hooked me up with some antibiotics, a steroid (for the swelling), and a numbing gel. That numbing gel is amazing. Been about 24 hours since I've been taking all the meds, and I feel a whole lot better. I can finally eat again. I will say that if I had medical insurance, they would of admitted me and removed both tonsils last night..... Sucks right?

Why do people state the obvious? Like in the ER, the nurse says while checking my temperature, "You do have a temp." Bitch I must have one if I walked in here with a fleece hoodie on, zipped all the way up. Then the doctor says "Your tonsils look gross & like they hurt really bad". No duh, dick. Why else would I be in here?

OH! Forgot to take pics most of our DC trip since I was sick for most of it.. And the infamous family reunion was really lame.... I would say it was uneventful, but Friday night we hooked up with my cousins and my mother got drunk off of some homemade Sangria. My grandmother (mother's mom) called us alcoholics because we had some drinks & that we should sleep there because we were drunk. Saturday after dinner with the entire family, I chilled with my cousin & my aunt (the abusive one).. These fools had me drinking Absolut 100. Devil's piss burns so bad, never will I ever drink that again. And my aunt had parking lot car sex from what I think was going down before I decided to leave. Sunday afternoon, my grandma talked ever more shit about drinking and how we got home since we were oh so drunk. I just looked at her, thinking "Even if I was drunk, I would never drive compared to someone who has been paralyzed for 2 almost 3 years and can barely walk."

Outside of being sick for about a week, an uneventful family trip & family reunion; I must say the last week or so has been decent. Now I need to spice my last week of summer up with a piercing or something.. Don't know what I want to do for sure yet...

Not so random thoughts for 8/16/11

• DC trip is tomorrow and I haven't packed. FML.
• Sunday night, "lust" called & invited me to see him perform on Monday. The fact that he called, not FB message but CALLED had me excited.
• Monday night, I went to see him perform & it was bawse. Even though I went dolo, I had a good time.
• Last day of babysitting and I'm excited!
• My sister is coming back to VA for the week. We are gonna do some hoodrat things all week, we have to.
• Writing out all these directions since my printer still doesn't have ink. YAY.
• Somebody come pack for me. I'll pay you in fried chicken & rice.
• I may have another babysitting gig when I get back from DC. 2 kids this time though.
• Seriously, the smallest things make me happy & turn me on.
• Somebody pay my cellphone bill & buy me a round trip train ticket to NYC.
• After babysitting this little baby, I don't want kids as much.. Then again, my children won't be this spoiled.
• The family reunion was ok. A lot of funny stuff went down. I'll blog about it later.
• That 1 blue motorcycle I had last night @ the club had me bent. I'm such a lightweight.

8.11.11 Random Thoughts

• What's today?! THURSDAY!!! Idk why I feel so blah.
• That last one was a lie, waking up at 5:30am to watch a cranky, spoiled baby is why I feel so lethargic.
• Yeah, I said lethargic.
• Tomorrow is going to be full of baby vomit, free HD cable, and close relatives. I really can't wait for that family get together.
• I talked to "Like" last night.. :D :D
• Why did the baby I watch have on the same outfit he had on yesterday? How can you not wash your baby?
• I totally under-charged these folks for watching their kid 8.5 hrs a day, for 5 days should equal way more than $20/day.
• I'm too nice sometimes. It's a gift & curse.
• Why do parents call to talk to a baby that can not respond back? Like that makes no sense at all!
• I have to stop saying like in front of everything. It's annoying.
• I want to make a random photo montage of myself. Is that vain?
• I need some olive oil so I can go back to oil pulling.
• I may delete my Tumblr.
• The DC trip is going to just be the DC trip next week.. No NYC this summer for me at all. FML ;( :(
• I'll be doing a photo post of this weekend's events with the fam.. That is if I don't forget my camera.
• JUST FIGURED OUT WHAT SONG MY SISTER WAS ASKING ME ABOUT LAST NIGHT!!! The mystery is solved now. Case closed.

Late night thoughts

• I saw that I got a email from Blind Fury's website. When did I sign up for that? Did someone sign him? Dude is decent.
• Babysitting for the next 4 days from 6am to 4pm. At least it's going to put some money in my pocket.
• Doing hair as a hustle isn't happening. Guess that's cool since my heart isn't in it like it use to be.
• I'm getting better and better at painting my nails with little to no mistakes. I would love some new colors and crackle polish.
• Once I get my sewing machine, I'll be making plenty of no pattern needed type of things like maxi dresses and some easy tops.
• I have to think of more topics/posts for my hair blog.
• I wonder if the 3Ls think about me as much as I think about them.
• Green is my color and I just realized it today.
• The weekend can't get here soon enough.
• 5:30 is going to be here quick.
• I wonder where I'll be in the next year because I can't be in the same place.

Like, Lust, Love......

These are 3 entirely different stages and I feel this way about 3 totally different guys. Most people get the like and love emotions confused, but not me.

Guy 1 aka Like is a sweet, caring type of guy. He makes me laugh, we chat online almost every single day and I can see a future with him. The only bad thing, he lives hours away... I just realized I genuinely cared for him when he told me he lost a close family member. At that exact moment, I wanted to be there for him. And anyone who really knows me that I don't show compassion towards people I don't care for, because I could really care less. That's just how I have always been.

Guy 2 aka Lust is a cool, funny, weird, likable guy that I've known for a couple years now. We have this off & on cut buddy thing that I love (cuz the sex is awesome) but outside of that, we really like each other. I don't know about him, but I do have some deep feelings towards him and they all aren't sexual. To tell him those feelings will never happen because of my fear of rejection (again).

Guy 3 aka Love could be my everything. And I mean that. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me, my family loves him, he's the best thing that never happened (relationship wise). I would bring up the whole distance thing sucks (which it does) but I know that would not be enough for us. I really don't know how to feel about him, since I know he's miles and hours away.

8.9.11 Randomness

• The internet is so boring to me, recently.
• No phone + no life = BORED all the time. Seriously.
• I just realized I'm in LIKE, LOVE, and LUST. How does that even happen?
• Our DC family trip may turn into our NYC family trip and I would love that more than anything!
• Craisins are little jewels from heaven.
• Finally went to VA Beach this past weekend. It was awesome, I got my salt water taffy & ate 2 boxes.
• Snapped a couple pics while at the beach, and I must say my backyard is looking really full these days and I LOVE IT!
• I haven't eaten an entire meal in about 5 days. Is that bad?
• Family reunion this weekend will feature alcoholic beverages, cursing, fighting, and just ignorance and I'm completely down for it!
• I had to Google how to spell alcoholic, that can't be good at all.
• I start my 6 day long baby sitting gig tomorrow morning around 6:10am. YIPEE.
• I want a sewing machine BADLY. I have so many ideas of things I want to make (from Youtube inspiration) but no sewing machine :(
• Twitter is wack. I think it's more of certain people I follow. It may just be me.
• Working on a real post soon.

Random Thoughts of the early day

1. I want to leave VA. More so the wing of my mother.
2. Got a new toothbrush yesterday & I love it..
3. Looking for a job is a job and I hate it.
4. Brought a pattern to make a dress but I'm not going to use that until I get a sewing machine.
5. Oh, I'm going to start making clothes.. First piece is going to be a pencil skirt.
6. I need to rest up, we have a big delivery coming & a service man to fix the fridge tomorrow..
7. Still haven't heard anything back from those interviews.. I'm not sure if I really care though.
8. Been listening to Amel Larrieux's Bravebird album for the past couple of days. I'm in love.
9. Online job applications are the worst things ever invented for a person with a short attention span since it's not entertaining.
10. With #1, I wouldn't mind doing something not all the way thought thru like just leaving the homefront with no exact location in mind until I get there..

I have a different outlook today.

Every so often, I have a change of heart & mind. Today, my mind is clear & open for any opportunity that may arise. Sitting here looking at jobs, applying to ones I know I'm qualified for and I randomly start searching in other areas (Richmond, NYC, etc) like I can just pick up and leave for a job. And I start thinking, why couldn't I just up & leave here? Outside of money, I have no real issues stopping me. I don't even know where I would want to move to, just some where other than here.

It's just me, my optimistic mind, and opportunities in this world. What's really stopping me from leaving?

Randomness for 7/29/11

• I'm feeling real blah. I need change. GOOD change.
• 2 things I want in the near future: Cleared up credit & an iPhone. Smh, got my priorities all in lined lol..
• Going to see Transformers 3 (again) tomorrow with mom..
• Tuesday will be here before I know it... *blows bangs*
• Of all the potato chips we could possibly have in the crib, Salt & Vinegar are all that's available.. Beyond gross is an understatement.
• Peach ice cream is my favorite thing as of last night.
• Still haven't heard back from either one of those interviews.. What the hell?! I'm more than qualified for both of them.
• Twitter is only fun when sex is the main topic...

Btw, I have always loved sex from what my mother told me.

Random Thoughts 7/28/11

• I'm so tired and I do nothing all day long. I was never this tired when I was working 2 jobs & doing hair on the weekends.
• Researching becoming a licensed barber. Good?
• Still haven't heard anything back from those 2 interviews.
• Bestie, Mom, & I may go to the movies tomorrow.
• I'm tired of doing NOTHING!
• I want to be where he is.... That's a new thing to me too.
• Heart still on my sleeve... He knows the full truth now.
• Woke up to a little poetry from him was the 2nd best thing that happened this week.
• Next Tuesday is "Ebony be up all damn day waiting on people Day".
• I need to be in NYC the last week & a half of August so I can go to Afro Punk with my sister.
• Cell phone is still off and I'm cool with it..

Randomness for 7/17 - 7/26/11

• Went on 2 interviews, it's only Tuesday (barely) but I'm waiting to hear back from both jobs.
• Got a new shirt & new dress.. Wore the dress to church on Sunday...... Just man, wish I would of taken a picture..
• If you let someone go and they come back to you, that means its meant to be right? Dear God, I hope so.
• Seriously, I had the best time ever Sunday night.
• I had so many emotions come over me when the night ended, that all I could do was cry.. I never felt like that ever.
• They weren't tears of sadness though.
• I cut my finger some days back, but this bitch continues to hurt like shit. FML.
• Amy Winehouse passed away and I feel like people wanted to be there for her when it was too late. RIP.
• Elijah Minnelli LOL.. Roseanne had some classic lines.
• I need to hear "Frank"
• My friend/ex-boyfriend took me out to dinner tonight. I didn't say thank you and I don't feel bad about it... Lol I'm a rude girl.
• *In my best Tracie Spencer voice* Tender kisses, blown away...

Random Thoughts 7/16/11?

• Idk today's date.
• Mom & I walked 2 miles on this trail.. That shit beat my ass, but it was kinda worth it.
• I missed not 1 but 2 calls from this place wanting to interview me for this position and people were home both times. How awesome!
• Had another "I want one" moment in Sam's Club today when I saw these cute little boys. *deep sigh*
• The house phone rang at 10:30pm on the dot & my heart stopped. I thought it was someone I wanted to talk to but it was my brother instead.
• Just because you get older doesn't mean you get wisdom. I wish more people realized this.
• Can I just say again, Transformers 3 was amazing!!!
• I hate how people stare at me but don't say anything. Wtf you looking at me like that for, people?! lol
• 2 words: MY ASS! Omg, it is sore.
• If I can't get out of going to church, I'm gonna have a serious attitude all day long. Bet money.
• Saw my ex something Friday, he's so not attractive to me anymore. That normally doesn't happen to me.
• I know I keep saying how bad I want to be married, I just want a boyfriend for the time being.. The married thing can come after that lol.
• I hope I kinda can't make this DC family vacay because I'll be working. My mom pisses me off so easily and that little 3 or 4 hour drive is going to be too much.
• Dad isn't done working on my car yet.. Hope he finishes before the 1st.
• I haven't worn my favorite sandals in a while.... They are so sexy smh.
• I had the hardest time finding banana clips, but I found some.. Been banana clippin it up since Thursday!
• How to Train Your Dragon is the most heroic & saddest movie ever!
• How do people have thousands of friends on FB?!
• I want passion!!!!!! Thug passion, plain passion, just some damn passion.

When is too much, too much?

I know there is a saying that goes something like "Your parents take care of you and once you get of age, you should take care of them"... I have no idea if that's right or not, but I don't believe that's the way it should go. Especially when you can't afford to do it and when it isn't a personal option.

So this past week was ok.. Didn't do that much but the end of the week is where all the action was. I did some hair and my mom was telling me how she has a interview and she needs to color her hair but she didn't have the funds. So I took it upon myself to spend my little dough & buy her the hair color. Then she reminded me that I needed to put gas back in the car since I took it, with my last $15 I filled it up. My issue with this (and all the other little things I do for her) is that I can't afford to do it. Yes, I make a couple bucks doing hair then and again; but it's not frequent enough to where I can make a living out of it. She doesn't even say thank you for it. Her reasoning behind it is that she is and has taken care of me and now it's my turn. With that she includes her buying me groceries and keeping a roof over my head like I'm the only child. She doesn't take to the fact that I didn't ask to be here and that this is her responsibility as a parent. Even tells me I'm wrong to think like that.

Since I've been talking about moving out and trying to get myself together (finally); it's like none of that matters. I need to contribute to the house so some of the load can be shared. But that load is going to be there if I'm still living at home or not. Back when I was working regularly, I noticed small things she use to do that were in my mind, very unfair. She would tell me that my part of the car insurance was more than it really was so she could pocket some money; make me pay her rent weekly, and ask for money for groceries or gas. Why would you do that to your child? I use to argue with her that most kids I knew didn't have to pay their parents rent. But her and my father both agreed on the issue so I did it. After I noticed her going shopping for clothes & shoes with my money, I stopped giving it to her and put it on bills instead. Even this caused disagreements and arguments. Now, I'm at the point where I need as many jobs as I can get to pay a majority of my debt down so I can leave. I seriously can't take it anymore. My little brother has more pull than I do around our house, I don't even get a choice and I'm grown.

I guess it's finally hit me that I do too much for her when I could be doing for myself more.

9 Random Facts about me!

1. My parents are divorced & have been for 10/11 years.
2. I love all types of music.
3. Spike Lee joints are my top choice movies.
4. My second choice movies are comedies.
5. Garlic is my nemesis.
6. I seriously laugh at everything I shouldn't laugh at.
7. If I'm not saying anything, I'm hearing and observing everything.
8. I'm not very talkative, unless I'm drunk.
9. I graduated HS in the class of 2004.

Randomness for 7/14/11

• Why can't I find my short banana clip?!
• I'll be buying some banana clips today.. I'm tired of ponytails & bobby pins.
• I'm hungry, but not hungry. So I won't be eating.
• Day 3 or 4 of no meat & I'm feeling great about it.
• These vaginal cramps can kiss my ass.
• May go apply for this Property Manager position since I do know a little about the field.
• We (my mother) has set the dates for our DC trip next month & my sister is going to meet us there.. Super amped about it.
• Pank dress with pank toes... A good and a bad thing to me: they match.
• I'm so tired of scratching where this eczema is.
• I need to do a real post even though I'm enjoying these random thought posts.
• Disco hasn't died, just moved... And I need more of it in my life..

My favorite old song the past couple of days:

Early morning randomness

• Fell asleep on the couch like a old bastard.
• My nose piercing almost closed up.
• My whole vagina is throbbing in pain right now. Wtf is going on down there?!!!
• I didn't wrap my hair up last night :(
• I think I'm ovulating. Yay -__-
• If I had money in my bank account, I would of brought Nikki Jean & Vandalyzm's latest work YESTERDAY!
• Why tell me you're going to do something and you don't? It's just a waste of my time & your breath.
• I need to paint my toes. My mom & I have the same color, ugh!
• I love my face more when I have my eyebrows done..

Mid Day Thoughts 7/12/11

1. The smell of garlic coming out my pores is sickening.
2. Buttered toast is all I want. And it's all I had this morning.
3. Hydrocortisone cream is a godsend for my eczema.
4. I'm all for loving who you choose to love, but the gay porn on my Tumblr dashboard is too fucking much.
5. Water & a banana.
6. Bottled water is the only water I drink outside of NYC tap water.
7. I finally figured out what works for my skin!!!
8. Forgot I have this almost empty jar of Nutella in my room as I finished my banana. :(
9. We need more bread. I'm on that 24 hour, all bread diet (said in my best Drake voice).
10. Should I try to post something up here everyday or is that too much??

Your responses would be nice on this last question.

Songs for women - Frank Ocean

I love this song.. I love this singer... I love the crew he's down with.

Random Thoughts 7/11/11

• Sinus headaches suck. I was in the bed all day.
• I "forgot" to go do this lil girl's hair today. I hate dealing with her mother, ugh!
• Totally missing out on some of the greater things in life like being in NY, spending time with my sister, going to summer concerts, going to see the Tribe Documentary (about A Tribe Called Quest, duh).
• This chick on Youtube doing videos & her mouth looks like she eats cigarettes for a living.
• Meat is gross!! Back to being a vegetarian I go.
• After all this time off, thinking, and reflecting on myself & my life; I still don't know what I want to do in life. How awesome :|
• Back on my vitamins too.. How bad is it for me to take prenatal vitamins when you aren't pregnant?
• I want to see Transformers 3 again.
• Split ends are a bitch!!!
• KILL PEOPLE, BURN SHIT, FUCK SCHOOL! (And I'm not even in school!!!)
• I'm tired of NSA sexual relationships. I said that like I'm in several, it's just one.
• Why won't someone surprise me & pay my phone bill?
• I love surprises, btw. I never get any.
• I had an anxiety attack when my Dad didn't show up the other weekend. I didn't tell anyone about it either.
• These Skittles I had earlier were by far the best bag of Skittles I have ever had in life.

I have a couple posts in Drafts that need to be finished...

Dilemma or not?

Back in high school, I use to be this blunt, super silly, forward girl who hung with the guys. I was so much of "one of the fellas", that whenever I would try to holla at a guy, they didn't take me seriously. Over time with much encouragement from my Mom & sister, I have slowly evolved into this girly, somewhat coy & shy woman.

The idea of being forward is not for me these days. I'm looking for a guy who will ask me out, because me asking him out is almost out of the question. But I'm noticing that most guys don't ask girls out like that anymore. Why is that? Especially when just approaching for general conversation, men don't do that anymore. Well at least not the men in my age range. They just stare in what I take as amazement & awe or disgust. I'm still not sure because I don't have the guts to ask. I know I hate the staring thing. If you see something you like, why not speak? And if they are staring because it's something they don't like, that's just rude. In recent days, I've been stared & waved at by several different guys in passing but no one has said anything. I HATE THAT! I guess I give off this look of disapproval or something, idk...

The Infamous Sex Post

I was thinking what I could possibly talk about on this entry..... Welp, here we go.

My very first time was 10 years ago (you do the math), I wanted to explore what penis was like and my boyfriend had no problem with it. It was exam week, so we got out of school early. He rode the bus home with me (without my mother's permission, duh) and when we got to the house I kind of wanted to bail on the act. But after a little persuasion with kisses and some head, I was like I think I can do this. With him being larger than expected, I 86'ed the giving of oral and told him to just do it already so we can get it over and done with. That initial penetration hurt so bad, I slid all the way off of my bed. He was getting frustrated because I was running from him, but that shit hurt worse than anything I ever felt in my life! After a little more head and trying to stretch me out, he went back to trying to take my Vcard. It was the 3rd worse sex I have ever had in my life. Once we were done, he asked me to braid his hair and I could barely stand. From that moment, I decided I would never have sex again........ We all know that was a lie. But I will say, the next time I had sex was about 2.5 years later. And it was just as bad the first couple times.

After all these years, I have learned some tricks to the trade of pleasure: find out what your partner loves and make it happen, be spontaneous, and make sure you both get yours!! I found out what I love, my go to orgasm getters and I try to let my partner know what they are so I can get mines and consider it GOOD SEX. Also, size does matter. I hate that women lie about that because I have had some of the smallest penises known to man & that experience was horrible. (I can't even call it sex because there was no penetration). The bigger the better. I don't think there is a such thing as being too big, too thick, too long; the vagina is a muscle that can stretch and mold to a penis...

Well, sex post is done and I'm horny.. Awesome! *goes to Pornhub*

Random Thoughts 7/6/11

• My Dad needs to hurry up & finish the work on my car....... Well his car that he's giving me.
• 2 jobs. Need them! BADLY!
• Pay my debt down before 6/1/2012.. I don't even know how possible that is.
• No vacations until my debt is gone!!
• MONEY IS MY MOTIVATION!!!
• Save to move out.. My mom is getting crazier by the weeks.
• Compiling a list of expenses and fees needed to move out, still haven't done this yet.
• NO DEBT!!! I swear I fucked myself in the ass with that car & credit cards... Never again.
• Saving money is so easy to do when you have nowhere and no one to spend it on...
• FIRST BIG BUY ONCE I START WORKING IS A LAPTOP THAT I CAN FILL WITH PORN & MUSIC.
• Sentara will never see that $1,500 for their crap ass service & I promise that...
• Since I'll probably be working like a slave, relationships will probably be on the back burner.. Those who love me will understand, hopefully.

Next post is lucky number 69, and will be dedicated to sex (but of course it is)...

Jealous & Ok with it.

I know recently all my posts have been about relationships & all that type of stuff.. It's because I want one, again. Today at church, this couple got engaged & I sat there like "Why not me?!". I'm not interested in dude, but I would love for this to happen to me. It really seems like all the women who shouldn't be married are getting "wifed up" and by women who shouldn't be married, I mean crazy & possibly being a whore.

Most people wouldn't admit they are jealous, but I'm super jealous. Especially after today, I'm like if a girl like her (crazy, loud, ghetto) can get engaged, why can't I? It may be my hormones, but I sat there like wtf?! I seriously had not 1 good wish for them because I can't.....

Isn't love about the risks?

Since I've been confined to my house & the occasional errand with Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking. One of my main thoughts consists of falling in love & being in love.

Now 2 people (man, woman; man, man; woman, woman; etc) if they both share the same interests, have a genuine like for each other, and enjoy each other; what's stopping them from possibly falling in love. Isn't love about the risks? For instance, the risk of putting all your cards on the table, letting it all hang out. What's the worst that can happen: the other person doesn't want you in the same way as you want them? The other person wanting you back just as much?

I've been in 1 situation where I have said those 3 words & had them said back several times. Recently, I've decided I wouldn't be the one to say it first but I feel like that's stupid. If you love someone, let them know right? But why, if you know they may not say it back? Rejection hurts, not being in love hurts, shit... Even being in love hurts sometimes or is that not love if you ever hurt? My thoughts are really jumbled up right now about all this.

This weekend 7/4/2011

I don't even know if I ever posted about the lovely "Juicy" or "Luscious" as I called her. This 4th of July marks the first anniversary of her death and I this weekend is going to be super hard to get through. That's why I was making plans to go to NY to be with my sister since this is her best friend (I'm not going to say 'was' because she's still her best friend and no one can take her place).

Everyone who has ever had the pleasure of meeting, communicating with this beautiful girl knows how truly missed she is. Forever in my heart & mind, Love you much Jassy Phizzle! Here's a little video one of her many friends made, enjoy!

Is this impossible?!

Talking to my mother & first lady (of my church) today, I realized a couple things that I need to make happen like IMMEDIATELY!

1. I'm 25 & I want to get married!!
2. I want to have my first child by 30.
3. I need to be dating someone who wants the same things as me.

First Lady told me that most men know pretty soon how the relationship is going to go (i.e. if he wants to marry a woman, just get some butt, or nothing at all). Then she said, it takes about 6 months of dating someone to know if there is a future or not with that person. That all makes sense, but how do I get to this point because I'm not dating anyone seriously right now. I would love to be, especially if we click & have so much in common.

I feel like I need to be out here dating, try to find someone who wants the same things I want, and lock that down; eventually have a long engagement (2 to 3 years, unless he suggests something different), travel as a couple, then by the time I'm 30 try to have our first child. Is that impossible?

We also talked about how men these days & in my age bracket aren't use to commitment. I can't say that I am either since I never had a long term relationship, then again why should I? I'm only 25, I need to be out here having fun and enjoying life.. But again, I would love to be doing that with my future husband right now. A question I ask myself normally is should I be more aggressive when I see a man I am interested in? I'm aggressive when I need to be, but being the aggressor isn't my type of role. I do think I'm forward, but only when I'm comfortable. Do men like aggressive & forward women or is that emasculating?

I just feel so left out because everyone close to me is dating someone seriously, already having babies, enjoying the true adult life and I'm just in limbo. I want babies!!! And a husband!!

Begging & pleading.....

For the buns. It's not sexy, cute, endearing, or anything. It's plain old annoying. And the one reason why it's annoying is because it's not from the person I want it to be from. Matter of fact, that was said all wrong. The person I want it to be from doesn't even have to beg, he doesn't even have to ask, it's just here waiting for him when he's ready. Now the other guy thinks begging, calling me all crazy (repeatedly for an hour after 1am) is going to make me give in & give him what he wants. If I wanted it, I would tell him. His begging isn't going to make my panties fall off any faster & I wish he could see that because the ignoring, cold shoulder, and rudeness is not getting thru his thick skull.

How would you handle someone begging for the sex and you don't want to have sex with them?

Random Thoughts 6/22/11

For the first time in the past 6 months, I can't pay my phone bill and it kinda blows. This, plus no longer wanting to live at home anymore is really pushing me to my breaking point.

Today has been a day full of self reflection & deep thinking and I know I need to change everything I want to change to be happy. After all these years, just yesterday my mother finally tells me I should do whatever makes me happy no matter what it is. Why wait to figure this out when I'm 25, where was this advice 10 years ago?! I'm just going to crawl back into my hole and figure out a way to get out & up from all of this crap.
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Pt 2 of I Don't Get It.

I didn't expect there to be a part two (click there if you didn't read it) to this matter but there is..

Now it's been a couple weeks after my bestie has been involved with this dude (still no sex, btw) and of course she's been calling me complaining about him still not bringing up sex and such. So last night that all changed. He called her to see if she wanted to go over and watch a movie. She automatically tells me she's not going if he's not giving her some sex and I'm like oh.. okay. Then he calls her again to confirm if she's going to come over or not & he tells her to stop and get some condoms. Again, she thinks he's lying or playing with her emotions. I'm on the sidelines telling her you never know, tonight could be the night, blah blah blah. After some "hard decision making", she goes over to see him. They have sex and like I told her, it was probably well worth the wait.

Now what I don't get about all this is
1. You got mad because the man wanted to spend time with you, no sex.
2. He doesn't hound you about sex, yet you hound him. Why?

As a woman who is known to be a tease, I would probably faint at a man who wants to spend time with me and doesn't have sex as his number 1 reason. That's so hard to find.. I know sex is a good portion of a relationship, but when you're trying to get to know someone better, sex is better when it's left on the back burner...

Very Random.

Happy Father's Day! Ok, now to this post. Earlier today, I did what I normally do which is go above & beyond for my family and cooked a very extravagant dinner. Well not too extravagant: grilled chicken thighs, corn, shrimp kabobs, rice, and some grilled veggies. After slaving over that hot grill for a couple hours, I even made some brownies. Now, I fell asleep earlier than expected (12:30ish) but I woke back up around 1:30 and I was super horny. In my mind, I know somewhere there is a man who will appreciate all that I did for the day, then turn around and give up the buns... Too bad I don't have that man already..... And I'll just leave it at that.
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Summer Plans....

The Summer is almost here! Kids just got out of school and I'll still be sitting at home slumming since no one has contacted me about getting their hair done. I planned to go to NYC for the entire 3 months, but so far I don't see that happening.

I may stay home, find me a little part time job & stack some bread. I know my sister is gonna be pissed but being broke is so yesterday.
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Random Thoughts on Marriage Pt. 1

I'm not a very "traditional" girl, but I do have some beliefs that are straight from the "old school". I believe in marriage before children, I believe in marriage period.

Marriage is very sacred to me. As the vows state, "It should not be entered lightly", I believe that you should only be married once and to the person you love more than anything. Along with that marriage, there should be children or spawns of your love. I know a lot of people would say "you don't have to be married to have a kid", but for me, I have to be. I know any man (married, single, involved) can up and leave whenever they choose but if they are married, it's a little bit harder.

There's a certain security being married that most married couples know about. The fact that someone loves you that much to want to spend their life with you, want to have children with you, and given their vows to you with the promise of never leaving your side. I do see myself getting married and being the best wife and mother possible.
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Big K.R.I.T.

I normally don't post videos and such.. But I had to post this... I've been to several of his shows (A couple in NYC & 1 in VA) and this man is on it!! The last show I went to @ Southpaw in Brooklyn, I had the chance to meet him and he is such a down to earth, cool ass dude! Anyway, here's one of my favorite tracks/videos from one of XXL's Freshman of 2011. ENJOY!

I don't get it....

My bestie has found her self a "good man". Well in my opinion of what she tells me, he is a good man. He wants to spend time with her, he doesn't want to have sex, and he wants to get to know her in & out. Another thing that makes him stand out is that he told her "If we're going to do this (serious relationship), no Facebook". When she told me that, I was like wow!

Now, they've been dating for a short while now and she calls me upset at the fact that he doesn't want have sex. She's use to guys wanting to hit on the first night & I told her I think it's awesome he doesn't want to have sex so soon. I think it means that he respects her that much to want to know her mind & heart first. She calls & complains about no sex has been had and I'm like "What's the issue?, I don't get it?!"
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Is it too much to ask for that young, innocent kind of love? That "don't want to hang up", I need to be by you, just hold my hand kind of love? Is it wrong that I still think that, that kind of love still exists with the right person? I want my heart to stop, the butterflies in my stomach type of feelings again.

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You don't have to lie to me....

Why do people lie? Why do men lie to women about simple things? Why do parents lie to their children? These are questions I ask myself quite often.

I love when people can be 100% honest with me about anything, especially if I ask them for advice or their opinion. In all my relationships, I tell the other person "You don't have to lie to me about anything. I'm grown & I can handle the truth." I know for a fact that a couple men think I'm just saying that because its a cool thing to say. No, I'm saying it because it's true. You have no need to lie to me. If I can't handle your truths, then that's my problem.

In the beginning of any kind of male/female love interest type of relationship, I always ask for dude to be upfront about everything. You want a sex only relationship, say so. Doesn't mean you're going to get that, but at least I know what you want. Even if we're already involved & you cheated, tell me. Why? So I can know & protect my body & heart at all cost. Plus, whatever is in the dark will come to light anyway.
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Oh really?!

Just a quick short story...

One of my exes/homeboys hit me up telling me his job is hiring for a part time front desk position. After thinking about it, I decided to go ahead and apply. Now he & I have history but now he's married so that ship has sailed. Anyway, I get to his job during his shift to fill out the app. We're laughing, chatting and such. He offered to chill in the little living room area, I oblige and join him. As we're sitting there talking & watching tv together, I notice his wedding ring has magically disappeared. I thought that was so very hilarious.

Some niggas really ain't shit.

The end.
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Dreams of my own..

I keep having dreams where I'm living in my very own apartment. Everything in it, I paid for. Its set up how I want it, it has all the foods I like in it. I invite whoever I want there. It's all mine!!

When most kids reach about 17 - 19, they want their own. I never had that feeling, until I turned 25. (What can I say, I'm a late bloomer) I'm just trying to get closer to this dream..
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My hair blog

My hair blog has a new URL. Check it out, join, comment, send requests, etc! http://www.justhairbyebony.blogspot.com
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Untitled

I'm tired of touching myself. I would rather have you do it.. Kissing me, licking me, touching me; deeply. I miss your touch so much it hurts.
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Goals for the rest of 2011.

Sometimes I need to write things out for myself (like most people, I hope). Just yesterday, I re-applied for school & financial aid. Today I find out I won't be able to get FinAid because of a delinquent loan I have from hair school. Now I need to take care of that so I can start school with a clean slate!

1. Find a job. I need to get one before May 31st. I would love to have 2 part time jobs. (Yeah my summer may suck, but I need money more than traveling.)

2. Pay student loan off in full! (Hence, needing the job)

3. Bank. I need to save up like a couple grand so I can say "Oh, I got some money" when I actually will have thousands!

4. School. If I can't start Fall 2011, I HAVE to start Spring 2012. Computer Science is my major, may change it to Liberal Studies.

I know I can focus on the main 3 so that I can make the 4th happen.
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The past 2 weeks, the urge to "grow up" has been on me heavy. I want more responsibilities like my own apartment & a job. I want my own everything. I guess it's my time to do those things. I know for a fact this will make me a whole lot happier (not saying I'm not happy, but it will make things better) & ready me for bigger & better things like marriage & children.

Let me go do a good old job search so I can make these things happen.

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Kinda in my feelings....

So this past weekend, I ran into my so-called best friend's sisters @ a local club. They both were telling me that she up & moved all the way to Texas. Just her & her 2 sons (1 of which who isn't even fully cooked yet) living in Texas broke with no family to help. So the older sister was telling me that she just told her whole family that she couldn't deal with their drama & such, so she was going to separate herself from it. On one hand I commend her for speaking up & but on the other hand I'm a little upset. Why would you move thousands of miles & over 6 hrs away from your family & friends?! Its not even huge that she left, its the fact that she has 2 babies she has to care for & that she has no means to do so.

I guess all I can do is pray that they will be okay........

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Idk what's going on, but.....

I think I'm changing or maturing. I'm doing a lot of things I normally wouldn't do like babysitting, offering my help (knowing I won't get anything in return), saying whatever is on my mind (respectfully), and letting things go. The letting things go is easy for me because I've always been that way, but now it's a whole lot easier.

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Random Thought 4/23/11

I was on the phone with my best friend, laughing & giggling about what a day she had yesterday. Then like a ton of bricks it hit me. My sister can't laugh & giggle on the phone with her best friend anymore. I just got so sad. Then I thought "Well, she's my best friend & I'm here with her! ". The rest of my time in NY will be dedicated to being the bestest friend I can be to my lil sister.

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Celibacy no more...

So I had sex. Twice. The first time was pretty good. I did get mines a couple times, but he didn't.. Oh well for him. Anyhow, it wasn't as good as I wanted it to be since it wasn't with the person I wanted it to be with. The second time was okay.. Nothing to brag about. I won't be having sex again for a while because not having awesome, great sex is so not worth it.

Someone once told me I had a awesome "triple threat" while stroking me. I asked what's that? His response "That warm, tight, moist vagina". Oh. Other women don't have that?!

I have an ex that was so amazed by my vagina that he even said it was weird. This fool said it felt like he was finger fuckin some warm yogurt. I was offended at first but then he said "its warm & sticky" and that he liked it in comparison to his past girlfriends. He described their vags as "Warm & dry holes". Eek!!

My question is do some women not have wet juice boxes for a reason (medical, hygiene issues, etc) and how/why do men cope with it being that way?
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I recently realized that if the man won't change on his own, that's just who he is. Either you deal or you don't. And I have chosen to not deal with a certain guy. My mother thinks he'll change when he's ready, I highly doubt it. 6yrs came & gone, he has not once showed an ounce of difference. I feel stupid for waiting around (even though we were off & on the whole time) so long.

End of story, lesson learned.
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Update on the Bday plans.

My bestie C hit me up about drinks & bar hopping next Wednesday.

Sex is 100% out of the window for that night & possibly weekend.

And no one else has hit me up to do something that weekend..

5 more days to go!!!!
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Honesty is the best!!

In all my relationships, whether friendship, sexual, etc; all I ask of the other person is to be honest with me. That let's me know from the jump if you're trustworthy.

In all of the sexual relationships I've had, being 100 about your status is a must. Yeah we're going to be protected but I don't play with fire either way. Even with bf/gf relationships, just be upfront about everything. If you have a gf or some chick whose just some side booty, let me know. Let me have that choice to either be with you or not.

I don't see how some people can lie about the littlest things to the major stuff. If you tell the truth in the beginning, the rest should be a breeze. So think about the 'white lies' you may tell your girl/guy & if it was even worth it. More than likely it wasn't.

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Too Deep For The Intro - J. Cole

I wish I could just let these women in abusive relationships hear this.. Not even the whole song, just from 0:40 - 0:56..

Another quick update on the young lady whose bf abused her..... They are getting married the end of April if I saw correctly on Facebook.

Birthday Plans

With my 25th birthday now 12 days away I need to set up some plans.. I already got my ticket to NYC for the following week but the week of I have 0 plans..

I want to have dinner with my friends but my day falls on a Wednesday.
I want to have sex.. Good sex.. (Probably won't happen)
I want to go out somewhere & just go crazy (drinking & dancing, basically)

I guess I need to hit some people up to see if they wanna chill with the birthday girl..

Tweet & Greet VA

So I have been seeing all these tweets for the 757 area. I could go, but I don't fuck with half of the VA followers I have like that & I know for a fact that shit would probably be wack. Plus everyone already knows each other & those alike so whatevs.
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Update

Remember a couple weeks back I had an entry about my best friend's sister who was assaulted by her boyfriend/baby daddy? Well I was on Facebook a couple days ago & who has brand new pics with him?? She does. I hate to assume, but it looks like they have gotten back together. I am like in total shock. I was talking to my mom about it & the only thing she kept telling me to do is pray for her. On one hand I feel like I shouldn't waste my time because she knows what could potentially happen to her but on the other hand I have to care a little bit because innocent children are involved.
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Should I?

I have a guy friend (let's call him R) who I went to HS & my first year of college with. We hang out for birthdays & randomly but nothing daily. The last couple of times R, myself & our mutual friend went out to dinner; we end up back at my house watching tv or a movie cuddled up on the couch. We flirt hard: calling each other baby & honey, holding hands. I even let him touch me intimately.

The dilemma is that I was seeing in a very sexual manner another mutual friend for years. Recently we broke it off but R knows that he & I had something going on for the whole time since we went to school together.

I guess what I'm getting at is should I ask for more aka sex or just let what has happened a couple times just happen? (I really like him as my friend & I would love to have sex with him....)
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Random Thought

I haven't been kissed & I mean like "pool in my panties" kissed in a long time. June 2010, long time. Granted when I got that last kiss, I was having some of the best car sex ever!!

Also, speaking of sex... Haven't had that since January and I don't see myself getting any, anytime soon. So far so good I might add. I am no longer subjecting myself to bad sex & sex with no ties.
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I'm not getting....

Any sex!!! At first it was by choice. I had sex 2 times in 2011 and each time it was wack. Some guys just need to stop, go back to HS, get a older woman, and try again.

Fast forward to today & one of my bestie's brought up the cut buddy option. The last time I had a cut buddy, I went outside the guidelines & caught feelings. I kinda feel like I shouldn't have a cut buddy, but on the other hand I have needs.. I'm thinking to just go without until someone decent shows up.... Whenever that will be.
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My best friend called me this morning & told me some disturbing news. Her younger sister was beaten by her boyfriend/father of her 2 sons. They have been having problems for a while now, where he has threatened to kill her & the boys, along with himself if she didn't do something he wanted. Since that day, her family has been telling her to leave him, come back home... To just get out!

Back on the 4th of July, a very close & good friend was taken away from the world by her boyfriend because she didn't want him anymore. I just wish the young lady could see that this could possibly be her. It's too soon for something like this to happen again.. I hope she sees things her family's way & decides to get out of this abusive relationship..

Crushed.....

So last Thursday was my mother's 44th birthday and since I'm jobless, broke, and just down I decided to do something nice for the woman who birthed me. At first I was going to make her a cake, but I thought that may not turn out as good as a store brought cake. So I took my last $13 bucks & brought her a cake.. I tried to get something I thought she would like...

She gets home from work & I present the cake to her. She looks at it, decided to get herself a piece & as she cuts it, she says aloud "Oh.. I know I'm not going to like this." I'm standing there like WTF?! I really wanted to scream on her about how I went out, spent my last bit of money & you say that you KNOW you aren't going to like it before you even eat it!!!! She did eat 1 piece of cake & complained the whole time how she didn't like the cake.


So all weekend I've been eating her birthday cake in anger (and to not be wasteful). That was some ungrateful shit. Next year, she won't be getting a cake from me at all.. How about those apples, mom?!

You learn as you see.. Right?

A little back story: Recently, my sister told me that my grandparents said that all of us (my sister, myself, & cousins) are all under achievers.

Speed up to the past week or so..... I was thinking, why are we such "under achievers"? Then I immediately looked at our parents, my mother is now a college graduate & father a blue collar worker. Now they both were young when they started a family (18/19), but in the 80s that was okay because the cost of living was much cheaper than it is now. The only thing I can say my parents taught me when it comes to being a great adult is to NOT start a family when you aren't financially stable & to work hard.

But is working hard all we need to do to get somewhere in life? Because I think I worked pretty hard (until recently) and gained hella debt in the same time. They didn't teach us great financial responsibility. And the school system sure didn't.

Basically what I'm saying is that we are under achievers because our parents are. They graduated high school, some attempted college, few graduated college, & had families. (Can't say successful marriages because I'm a child of divorce + 2 failed re-marriages). I guess at 25, I can change this and make sure I'm the best me that I could & wished to be. So in April, I'll start.. For now, I'll loaf around in my depression and devise a plan.

Oh Nicki...

I'm a Nicki fan... Not because she has dope lyrics. But because she's hilarious!! I know she said in some interview that she wanted to be taken more seriously, but why?! Her gimmick is working for her so much!!! Anyhow, check her out from last Saturday 1/29/11 on SNL.

I feel so stupid. I can't stop looking at his Facebook page, but why? He doesn't even want me but I want him so bad it hurts. *wipes tears*
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Selfish or Not?

I know everyone heard about President Obama & the health care reform where he extended coverage for children up to the age of 26. You don't have to be a full time college student anymore to be on your parents insurance. That was just awesome when I heard about it.

Now, I'm 24 yrs old, unemployed & living at home. I DO NOT have health insurance. Why? Because my mother (who can add me at any time because I am well qualified to be covered) thinks that she shouldn't have to pay extra to have me on her policy. Yet, she is willing to pay for some weight loss supplement that costs $300. I'm guessing my health means nothing to her, but her losing weight trumps that... I know that its her money & she can do what she damn well pleases, but this is just selfish.

Eh, I haven't had insurance since the day after my 21st bday.. Another year or so won't kill me, right?
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I'm THAT girl...

...who can hang with the boys & fit in.
...who can hang with the girls & stand out.
...who settled when love showed up.
...who caught feelings when she shouldn't have.
...who thinks about him & can't stop.
...who should be HIS girl.
...who has been rejected one too many times.
...who breaks hearts because I think its fair to do it before I let it happen to me.

I'm that type of girl.

Pre- Sex Rituals

So I was just sitting on the couch, thinking about sex (like I always do) and I was wondering "Do other people in the world have the same type of pre sex rituals?!"

Before I have sex, there are several things I MUST do!

1. Buy condoms (unless the dude is providing them)
2. Take a bath. I'm not big on douching, so soaking in the tub getting my snatch fresh is good for me.
3. While in the tub, I shave. Legs, pits, snatch. You never know when a man may want to lick & kiss places where the hair has grown outrageously.
4. Lotion my entire body & add smell goods. I'm all about smelling good.
5. Pineapples! Water! Pineapples are know to make the coochie smell yum yum. Water is great for naturally lubercating the snatch. This is also great for men. Women who swallow hate bleach smelling/tasting jizz.
6. I forgot to add pedicure!! You never know when dude may want to suck a toe or 2.

What are your pre-sex rituals? Leave comments!

My hair blog

After the urging of my mother (for years) & finally putting a lot of thought into it, my hair blog is now up!

Come check me out, I'll be talking about everything hair from locs to weaves to coloring & hairstyles!

Click the link!

http://hairbyebony.blogspot.com

Goals for 2011

I didn’t make any New Year Resolutions, just personal promises that will be fulfilled. My main ones include: taking care of my hair, caring less about things I shouldn’t care about, finding myself & my happiness, and keeping a journal.

So far I came up with (thought about) the ways I can keep up with my hair & I think I'm going to start a hair journal/blog.

Caring less is really easy. I'm just going to keep up my "IDGAF" mentality & hopefully that will be good enough.

Finding myself & my happiness will kind of go hand in hand with writing in my journal. I've heard writing your feelings & thoughts down will help you realize things in yourself you may have never known about yourself. I'm just hoping that will really work for me.

Good luck to you all & your goals, resolutions, etc.

Bitch Niggas.

I know I don't pick THE right dudes all the time, but I have never dated a "bitch nigga".

A bitch nigga in my book is a dude that is overly clingy, scary acting, and not 100% sure of himself as being a man.

I know of a couple bitch niggas, but there is one that I really can't stand. He's a cool guy (sometimes), but when I hear true facts about him from his "lady" (girl that was his girlfriend but he still thinks they are together); I'm like "That dude is definitely a bitch ass nigga". I wish I could go into further details about said bitch nigga , but I can't. Maybe at a later date.