Change is good. Depression is bad.

I know I've been gone for a min. But I'm back with a vengeance (maybe). Today I was just reflecting on some things & with that I ran across a journal entry from January of this year & I'm so happy to not be in that place anymore. Depression is just horrible & I hated not feeling like my normal self. But for those people out there still suffering, you have my sympathy. I know all too well how it feels to want to just scream but its not enough.

My thoughts in January were all dark, scary, and suicide based. I was so unhappy with my life that I wanted to end it yet I felt like I couldn't do that to my family. Something that stood out to me today was:

I laugh when I really want to cry, I say something because the silence is killing me. I say nothing because the silence is comforting. I cry when the laughs aren't enough.

Sometimes I still feel like that, but I'm not wanting to hide from myself or my family & friends. So I'm doing a whole lot better & giving this life thing a chance.

Isn't love about the risks?

Since I've been confined to my house & the occasional errand with Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking. One of my main thoughts consists of falling in love & being in love.

Now 2 people (man, woman; man, man; woman, woman; etc) if they both share the same interests, have a genuine like for each other, and enjoy each other; what's stopping them from possibly falling in love. Isn't love about the risks? For instance, the risk of putting all your cards on the table, letting it all hang out. What's the worst that can happen: the other person doesn't want you in the same way as you want them? The other person wanting you back just as much?

I've been in 1 situation where I have said those 3 words & had them said back several times. Recently, I've decided I wouldn't be the one to say it first but I feel like that's stupid. If you love someone, let them know right? But why, if you know they may not say it back? Rejection hurts, not being in love hurts, shit... Even being in love hurts sometimes or is that not love if you ever hurt? My thoughts are really jumbled up right now about all this.