9.12.11 Randoms

• Listening to Pandora, Ryan Leslie station and Nas' "Still Dreaming" comes on... I love that song.
• I'm so tired of being sick.. UGH!
• Finally painted my toes after about 3 days of naked nails.
• I hate naked toe nails..
• Still confined to the house since I am technically still contagious.
• My medication for the shingles cost so damn much.
• If $100,000 dropped into my back pocket I would have 0 complaints & no debt.
• My debt isn't even a 3rd of that.. So the rest would go to my "wants".
• Could I possibly go to Federal Prison for owing the IRS $2,500?
• Since I did my toes, my hair doesn't have a chance of getting flat ironed at all..
• Working on a surprise b'day present for my little brother......
• This weekend, I'm braiding my hair up.. I can't deal with it & these fevers at the same time.
• Talked to one of my exes this past week and he has matured so much. Good to know time does change some people.
• He kept telling me about his fiancée and the jealous monkey on my back didn't allow me to congratulate him.
• Still working on that jealously thing, btw.
• I read on Tumblr (I think) that black women will be single and unmarried if they keep waiting on black men & that they need to try outside their race. I have no problem with dating another race, but men (in general) don't approach me. Well the right type of guy doesn't approach me: either he's old enough to be my father, too short for my liking, or just interested in sex.
• And I do see some sexy white guys I would love to swirl with..
• Spoke to another ex Saturday night and he was pissed that I haven't called him even though I was sick.. I love when people are mad with me..
• I'm not even the type to complain about being sick, so if I'm not calling you or if you call to come see me and I'm sick.. Best believe something is really wrong.
• Seriously, $100,000 and I'm set.

Like, Lust, Love......

These are 3 entirely different stages and I feel this way about 3 totally different guys. Most people get the like and love emotions confused, but not me.

Guy 1 aka Like is a sweet, caring type of guy. He makes me laugh, we chat online almost every single day and I can see a future with him. The only bad thing, he lives hours away... I just realized I genuinely cared for him when he told me he lost a close family member. At that exact moment, I wanted to be there for him. And anyone who really knows me that I don't show compassion towards people I don't care for, because I could really care less. That's just how I have always been.

Guy 2 aka Lust is a cool, funny, weird, likable guy that I've known for a couple years now. We have this off & on cut buddy thing that I love (cuz the sex is awesome) but outside of that, we really like each other. I don't know about him, but I do have some deep feelings towards him and they all aren't sexual. To tell him those feelings will never happen because of my fear of rejection (again).

Guy 3 aka Love could be my everything. And I mean that. He makes me laugh, he takes care of me, my family loves him, he's the best thing that never happened (relationship wise). I would bring up the whole distance thing sucks (which it does) but I know that would not be enough for us. I really don't know how to feel about him, since I know he's miles and hours away.

Random Thoughts 7/16/11?

• Idk today's date.
• Mom & I walked 2 miles on this trail.. That shit beat my ass, but it was kinda worth it.
• I missed not 1 but 2 calls from this place wanting to interview me for this position and people were home both times. How awesome!
• Had another "I want one" moment in Sam's Club today when I saw these cute little boys. *deep sigh*
• The house phone rang at 10:30pm on the dot & my heart stopped. I thought it was someone I wanted to talk to but it was my brother instead.
• Just because you get older doesn't mean you get wisdom. I wish more people realized this.
• Can I just say again, Transformers 3 was amazing!!!
• I hate how people stare at me but don't say anything. Wtf you looking at me like that for, people?! lol
• 2 words: MY ASS! Omg, it is sore.
• If I can't get out of going to church, I'm gonna have a serious attitude all day long. Bet money.
• Saw my ex something Friday, he's so not attractive to me anymore. That normally doesn't happen to me.
• I know I keep saying how bad I want to be married, I just want a boyfriend for the time being.. The married thing can come after that lol.
• I hope I kinda can't make this DC family vacay because I'll be working. My mom pisses me off so easily and that little 3 or 4 hour drive is going to be too much.
• Dad isn't done working on my car yet.. Hope he finishes before the 1st.
• I haven't worn my favorite sandals in a while.... They are so sexy smh.
• I had the hardest time finding banana clips, but I found some.. Been banana clippin it up since Thursday!
• How to Train Your Dragon is the most heroic & saddest movie ever!
• How do people have thousands of friends on FB?!
• I want passion!!!!!! Thug passion, plain passion, just some damn passion.

When is too much, too much?

I know there is a saying that goes something like "Your parents take care of you and once you get of age, you should take care of them"... I have no idea if that's right or not, but I don't believe that's the way it should go. Especially when you can't afford to do it and when it isn't a personal option.

So this past week was ok.. Didn't do that much but the end of the week is where all the action was. I did some hair and my mom was telling me how she has a interview and she needs to color her hair but she didn't have the funds. So I took it upon myself to spend my little dough & buy her the hair color. Then she reminded me that I needed to put gas back in the car since I took it, with my last $15 I filled it up. My issue with this (and all the other little things I do for her) is that I can't afford to do it. Yes, I make a couple bucks doing hair then and again; but it's not frequent enough to where I can make a living out of it. She doesn't even say thank you for it. Her reasoning behind it is that she is and has taken care of me and now it's my turn. With that she includes her buying me groceries and keeping a roof over my head like I'm the only child. She doesn't take to the fact that I didn't ask to be here and that this is her responsibility as a parent. Even tells me I'm wrong to think like that.

Since I've been talking about moving out and trying to get myself together (finally); it's like none of that matters. I need to contribute to the house so some of the load can be shared. But that load is going to be there if I'm still living at home or not. Back when I was working regularly, I noticed small things she use to do that were in my mind, very unfair. She would tell me that my part of the car insurance was more than it really was so she could pocket some money; make me pay her rent weekly, and ask for money for groceries or gas. Why would you do that to your child? I use to argue with her that most kids I knew didn't have to pay their parents rent. But her and my father both agreed on the issue so I did it. After I noticed her going shopping for clothes & shoes with my money, I stopped giving it to her and put it on bills instead. Even this caused disagreements and arguments. Now, I'm at the point where I need as many jobs as I can get to pay a majority of my debt down so I can leave. I seriously can't take it anymore. My little brother has more pull than I do around our house, I don't even get a choice and I'm grown.

I guess it's finally hit me that I do too much for her when I could be doing for myself more.

Random Thoughts 7/11/11

• Sinus headaches suck. I was in the bed all day.
• I "forgot" to go do this lil girl's hair today. I hate dealing with her mother, ugh!
• Totally missing out on some of the greater things in life like being in NY, spending time with my sister, going to summer concerts, going to see the Tribe Documentary (about A Tribe Called Quest, duh).
• This chick on Youtube doing videos & her mouth looks like she eats cigarettes for a living.
• Meat is gross!! Back to being a vegetarian I go.
• After all this time off, thinking, and reflecting on myself & my life; I still don't know what I want to do in life. How awesome :|
• Back on my vitamins too.. How bad is it for me to take prenatal vitamins when you aren't pregnant?
• I want to see Transformers 3 again.
• Split ends are a bitch!!!
• KILL PEOPLE, BURN SHIT, FUCK SCHOOL! (And I'm not even in school!!!)
• I'm tired of NSA sexual relationships. I said that like I'm in several, it's just one.
• Why won't someone surprise me & pay my phone bill?
• I love surprises, btw. I never get any.
• I had an anxiety attack when my Dad didn't show up the other weekend. I didn't tell anyone about it either.
• These Skittles I had earlier were by far the best bag of Skittles I have ever had in life.

I have a couple posts in Drafts that need to be finished...

Dilemma or not?

Back in high school, I use to be this blunt, super silly, forward girl who hung with the guys. I was so much of "one of the fellas", that whenever I would try to holla at a guy, they didn't take me seriously. Over time with much encouragement from my Mom & sister, I have slowly evolved into this girly, somewhat coy & shy woman.

The idea of being forward is not for me these days. I'm looking for a guy who will ask me out, because me asking him out is almost out of the question. But I'm noticing that most guys don't ask girls out like that anymore. Why is that? Especially when just approaching for general conversation, men don't do that anymore. Well at least not the men in my age range. They just stare in what I take as amazement & awe or disgust. I'm still not sure because I don't have the guts to ask. I know I hate the staring thing. If you see something you like, why not speak? And if they are staring because it's something they don't like, that's just rude. In recent days, I've been stared & waved at by several different guys in passing but no one has said anything. I HATE THAT! I guess I give off this look of disapproval or something, idk...

The Infamous Sex Post

I was thinking what I could possibly talk about on this entry..... Welp, here we go.

My very first time was 10 years ago (you do the math), I wanted to explore what penis was like and my boyfriend had no problem with it. It was exam week, so we got out of school early. He rode the bus home with me (without my mother's permission, duh) and when we got to the house I kind of wanted to bail on the act. But after a little persuasion with kisses and some head, I was like I think I can do this. With him being larger than expected, I 86'ed the giving of oral and told him to just do it already so we can get it over and done with. That initial penetration hurt so bad, I slid all the way off of my bed. He was getting frustrated because I was running from him, but that shit hurt worse than anything I ever felt in my life! After a little more head and trying to stretch me out, he went back to trying to take my Vcard. It was the 3rd worse sex I have ever had in my life. Once we were done, he asked me to braid his hair and I could barely stand. From that moment, I decided I would never have sex again........ We all know that was a lie. But I will say, the next time I had sex was about 2.5 years later. And it was just as bad the first couple times.

After all these years, I have learned some tricks to the trade of pleasure: find out what your partner loves and make it happen, be spontaneous, and make sure you both get yours!! I found out what I love, my go to orgasm getters and I try to let my partner know what they are so I can get mines and consider it GOOD SEX. Also, size does matter. I hate that women lie about that because I have had some of the smallest penises known to man & that experience was horrible. (I can't even call it sex because there was no penetration). The bigger the better. I don't think there is a such thing as being too big, too thick, too long; the vagina is a muscle that can stretch and mold to a penis...

Well, sex post is done and I'm horny.. Awesome! *goes to Pornhub*

Jealous & Ok with it.

I know recently all my posts have been about relationships & all that type of stuff.. It's because I want one, again. Today at church, this couple got engaged & I sat there like "Why not me?!". I'm not interested in dude, but I would love for this to happen to me. It really seems like all the women who shouldn't be married are getting "wifed up" and by women who shouldn't be married, I mean crazy & possibly being a whore.

Most people wouldn't admit they are jealous, but I'm super jealous. Especially after today, I'm like if a girl like her (crazy, loud, ghetto) can get engaged, why can't I? It may be my hormones, but I sat there like wtf?! I seriously had not 1 good wish for them because I can't.....

Isn't love about the risks?

Since I've been confined to my house & the occasional errand with Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking. One of my main thoughts consists of falling in love & being in love.

Now 2 people (man, woman; man, man; woman, woman; etc) if they both share the same interests, have a genuine like for each other, and enjoy each other; what's stopping them from possibly falling in love. Isn't love about the risks? For instance, the risk of putting all your cards on the table, letting it all hang out. What's the worst that can happen: the other person doesn't want you in the same way as you want them? The other person wanting you back just as much?

I've been in 1 situation where I have said those 3 words & had them said back several times. Recently, I've decided I wouldn't be the one to say it first but I feel like that's stupid. If you love someone, let them know right? But why, if you know they may not say it back? Rejection hurts, not being in love hurts, shit... Even being in love hurts sometimes or is that not love if you ever hurt? My thoughts are really jumbled up right now about all this.

Is this impossible?!

Talking to my mother & first lady (of my church) today, I realized a couple things that I need to make happen like IMMEDIATELY!

1. I'm 25 & I want to get married!!
2. I want to have my first child by 30.
3. I need to be dating someone who wants the same things as me.

First Lady told me that most men know pretty soon how the relationship is going to go (i.e. if he wants to marry a woman, just get some butt, or nothing at all). Then she said, it takes about 6 months of dating someone to know if there is a future or not with that person. That all makes sense, but how do I get to this point because I'm not dating anyone seriously right now. I would love to be, especially if we click & have so much in common.

I feel like I need to be out here dating, try to find someone who wants the same things I want, and lock that down; eventually have a long engagement (2 to 3 years, unless he suggests something different), travel as a couple, then by the time I'm 30 try to have our first child. Is that impossible?

We also talked about how men these days & in my age bracket aren't use to commitment. I can't say that I am either since I never had a long term relationship, then again why should I? I'm only 25, I need to be out here having fun and enjoying life.. But again, I would love to be doing that with my future husband right now. A question I ask myself normally is should I be more aggressive when I see a man I am interested in? I'm aggressive when I need to be, but being the aggressor isn't my type of role. I do think I'm forward, but only when I'm comfortable. Do men like aggressive & forward women or is that emasculating?

I just feel so left out because everyone close to me is dating someone seriously, already having babies, enjoying the true adult life and I'm just in limbo. I want babies!!! And a husband!!

Begging & pleading.....

For the buns. It's not sexy, cute, endearing, or anything. It's plain old annoying. And the one reason why it's annoying is because it's not from the person I want it to be from. Matter of fact, that was said all wrong. The person I want it to be from doesn't even have to beg, he doesn't even have to ask, it's just here waiting for him when he's ready. Now the other guy thinks begging, calling me all crazy (repeatedly for an hour after 1am) is going to make me give in & give him what he wants. If I wanted it, I would tell him. His begging isn't going to make my panties fall off any faster & I wish he could see that because the ignoring, cold shoulder, and rudeness is not getting thru his thick skull.

How would you handle someone begging for the sex and you don't want to have sex with them?

Pt 2 of I Don't Get It.

I didn't expect there to be a part two (click there if you didn't read it) to this matter but there is..

Now it's been a couple weeks after my bestie has been involved with this dude (still no sex, btw) and of course she's been calling me complaining about him still not bringing up sex and such. So last night that all changed. He called her to see if she wanted to go over and watch a movie. She automatically tells me she's not going if he's not giving her some sex and I'm like oh.. okay. Then he calls her again to confirm if she's going to come over or not & he tells her to stop and get some condoms. Again, she thinks he's lying or playing with her emotions. I'm on the sidelines telling her you never know, tonight could be the night, blah blah blah. After some "hard decision making", she goes over to see him. They have sex and like I told her, it was probably well worth the wait.

Now what I don't get about all this is
1. You got mad because the man wanted to spend time with you, no sex.
2. He doesn't hound you about sex, yet you hound him. Why?

As a woman who is known to be a tease, I would probably faint at a man who wants to spend time with me and doesn't have sex as his number 1 reason. That's so hard to find.. I know sex is a good portion of a relationship, but when you're trying to get to know someone better, sex is better when it's left on the back burner...

Someone once told me I had a awesome "triple threat" while stroking me. I asked what's that? His response "That warm, tight, moist vagina". Oh. Other women don't have that?!

I have an ex that was so amazed by my vagina that he even said it was weird. This fool said it felt like he was finger fuckin some warm yogurt. I was offended at first but then he said "its warm & sticky" and that he liked it in comparison to his past girlfriends. He described their vags as "Warm & dry holes". Eek!!

My question is do some women not have wet juice boxes for a reason (medical, hygiene issues, etc) and how/why do men cope with it being that way?
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I recently realized that if the man won't change on his own, that's just who he is. Either you deal or you don't. And I have chosen to not deal with a certain guy. My mother thinks he'll change when he's ready, I highly doubt it. 6yrs came & gone, he has not once showed an ounce of difference. I feel stupid for waiting around (even though we were off & on the whole time) so long.

End of story, lesson learned.
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Honesty is the best!!

In all my relationships, whether friendship, sexual, etc; all I ask of the other person is to be honest with me. That let's me know from the jump if you're trustworthy.

In all of the sexual relationships I've had, being 100 about your status is a must. Yeah we're going to be protected but I don't play with fire either way. Even with bf/gf relationships, just be upfront about everything. If you have a gf or some chick whose just some side booty, let me know. Let me have that choice to either be with you or not.

I don't see how some people can lie about the littlest things to the major stuff. If you tell the truth in the beginning, the rest should be a breeze. So think about the 'white lies' you may tell your girl/guy & if it was even worth it. More than likely it wasn't.

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Too Deep For The Intro - J. Cole

I wish I could just let these women in abusive relationships hear this.. Not even the whole song, just from 0:40 - 0:56..

Another quick update on the young lady whose bf abused her..... They are getting married the end of April if I saw correctly on Facebook.

Update

Remember a couple weeks back I had an entry about my best friend's sister who was assaulted by her boyfriend/baby daddy? Well I was on Facebook a couple days ago & who has brand new pics with him?? She does. I hate to assume, but it looks like they have gotten back together. I am like in total shock. I was talking to my mom about it & the only thing she kept telling me to do is pray for her. On one hand I feel like I shouldn't waste my time because she knows what could potentially happen to her but on the other hand I have to care a little bit because innocent children are involved.
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Should I?

I have a guy friend (let's call him R) who I went to HS & my first year of college with. We hang out for birthdays & randomly but nothing daily. The last couple of times R, myself & our mutual friend went out to dinner; we end up back at my house watching tv or a movie cuddled up on the couch. We flirt hard: calling each other baby & honey, holding hands. I even let him touch me intimately.

The dilemma is that I was seeing in a very sexual manner another mutual friend for years. Recently we broke it off but R knows that he & I had something going on for the whole time since we went to school together.

I guess what I'm getting at is should I ask for more aka sex or just let what has happened a couple times just happen? (I really like him as my friend & I would love to have sex with him....)
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Random Thought

I haven't been kissed & I mean like "pool in my panties" kissed in a long time. June 2010, long time. Granted when I got that last kiss, I was having some of the best car sex ever!!

Also, speaking of sex... Haven't had that since January and I don't see myself getting any, anytime soon. So far so good I might add. I am no longer subjecting myself to bad sex & sex with no ties.
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I'm not getting....

Any sex!!! At first it was by choice. I had sex 2 times in 2011 and each time it was wack. Some guys just need to stop, go back to HS, get a older woman, and try again.

Fast forward to today & one of my bestie's brought up the cut buddy option. The last time I had a cut buddy, I went outside the guidelines & caught feelings. I kinda feel like I shouldn't have a cut buddy, but on the other hand I have needs.. I'm thinking to just go without until someone decent shows up.... Whenever that will be.
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