Change is good. Depression is bad.

I know I've been gone for a min. But I'm back with a vengeance (maybe). Today I was just reflecting on some things & with that I ran across a journal entry from January of this year & I'm so happy to not be in that place anymore. Depression is just horrible & I hated not feeling like my normal self. But for those people out there still suffering, you have my sympathy. I know all too well how it feels to want to just scream but its not enough.

My thoughts in January were all dark, scary, and suicide based. I was so unhappy with my life that I wanted to end it yet I felt like I couldn't do that to my family. Something that stood out to me today was:

I laugh when I really want to cry, I say something because the silence is killing me. I say nothing because the silence is comforting. I cry when the laughs aren't enough.

Sometimes I still feel like that, but I'm not wanting to hide from myself or my family & friends. So I'm doing a whole lot better & giving this life thing a chance.

You learn as you see.. Right?

A little back story: Recently, my sister told me that my grandparents said that all of us (my sister, myself, & cousins) are all under achievers.

Speed up to the past week or so..... I was thinking, why are we such "under achievers"? Then I immediately looked at our parents, my mother is now a college graduate & father a blue collar worker. Now they both were young when they started a family (18/19), but in the 80s that was okay because the cost of living was much cheaper than it is now. The only thing I can say my parents taught me when it comes to being a great adult is to NOT start a family when you aren't financially stable & to work hard.

But is working hard all we need to do to get somewhere in life? Because I think I worked pretty hard (until recently) and gained hella debt in the same time. They didn't teach us great financial responsibility. And the school system sure didn't.

Basically what I'm saying is that we are under achievers because our parents are. They graduated high school, some attempted college, few graduated college, & had families. (Can't say successful marriages because I'm a child of divorce + 2 failed re-marriages). I guess at 25, I can change this and make sure I'm the best me that I could & wished to be. So in April, I'll start.. For now, I'll loaf around in my depression and devise a plan.