Randomness for 7/29/11

• I'm feeling real blah. I need change. GOOD change.
• 2 things I want in the near future: Cleared up credit & an iPhone. Smh, got my priorities all in lined lol..
• Going to see Transformers 3 (again) tomorrow with mom..
• Tuesday will be here before I know it... *blows bangs*
• Of all the potato chips we could possibly have in the crib, Salt & Vinegar are all that's available.. Beyond gross is an understatement.
• Peach ice cream is my favorite thing as of last night.
• Still haven't heard back from either one of those interviews.. What the hell?! I'm more than qualified for both of them.
• Twitter is only fun when sex is the main topic...

Btw, I have always loved sex from what my mother told me.

Random Thoughts 7/28/11

• I'm so tired and I do nothing all day long. I was never this tired when I was working 2 jobs & doing hair on the weekends.
• Researching becoming a licensed barber. Good?
• Still haven't heard anything back from those 2 interviews.
• Bestie, Mom, & I may go to the movies tomorrow.
• I'm tired of doing NOTHING!
• I want to be where he is.... That's a new thing to me too.
• Heart still on my sleeve... He knows the full truth now.
• Woke up to a little poetry from him was the 2nd best thing that happened this week.
• Next Tuesday is "Ebony be up all damn day waiting on people Day".
• I need to be in NYC the last week & a half of August so I can go to Afro Punk with my sister.
• Cell phone is still off and I'm cool with it..

Randomness for 7/17 - 7/26/11

• Went on 2 interviews, it's only Tuesday (barely) but I'm waiting to hear back from both jobs.
• Got a new shirt & new dress.. Wore the dress to church on Sunday...... Just man, wish I would of taken a picture..
• If you let someone go and they come back to you, that means its meant to be right? Dear God, I hope so.
• Seriously, I had the best time ever Sunday night.
• I had so many emotions come over me when the night ended, that all I could do was cry.. I never felt like that ever.
• They weren't tears of sadness though.
• I cut my finger some days back, but this bitch continues to hurt like shit. FML.
• Amy Winehouse passed away and I feel like people wanted to be there for her when it was too late. RIP.
• Elijah Minnelli LOL.. Roseanne had some classic lines.
• I need to hear "Frank"
• My friend/ex-boyfriend took me out to dinner tonight. I didn't say thank you and I don't feel bad about it... Lol I'm a rude girl.
• *In my best Tracie Spencer voice* Tender kisses, blown away...

Random Thoughts 7/16/11?

• Idk today's date.
• Mom & I walked 2 miles on this trail.. That shit beat my ass, but it was kinda worth it.
• I missed not 1 but 2 calls from this place wanting to interview me for this position and people were home both times. How awesome!
• Had another "I want one" moment in Sam's Club today when I saw these cute little boys. *deep sigh*
• The house phone rang at 10:30pm on the dot & my heart stopped. I thought it was someone I wanted to talk to but it was my brother instead.
• Just because you get older doesn't mean you get wisdom. I wish more people realized this.
• Can I just say again, Transformers 3 was amazing!!!
• I hate how people stare at me but don't say anything. Wtf you looking at me like that for, people?! lol
• 2 words: MY ASS! Omg, it is sore.
• If I can't get out of going to church, I'm gonna have a serious attitude all day long. Bet money.
• Saw my ex something Friday, he's so not attractive to me anymore. That normally doesn't happen to me.
• I know I keep saying how bad I want to be married, I just want a boyfriend for the time being.. The married thing can come after that lol.
• I hope I kinda can't make this DC family vacay because I'll be working. My mom pisses me off so easily and that little 3 or 4 hour drive is going to be too much.
• Dad isn't done working on my car yet.. Hope he finishes before the 1st.
• I haven't worn my favorite sandals in a while.... They are so sexy smh.
• I had the hardest time finding banana clips, but I found some.. Been banana clippin it up since Thursday!
• How to Train Your Dragon is the most heroic & saddest movie ever!
• How do people have thousands of friends on FB?!
• I want passion!!!!!! Thug passion, plain passion, just some damn passion.

When is too much, too much?

I know there is a saying that goes something like "Your parents take care of you and once you get of age, you should take care of them"... I have no idea if that's right or not, but I don't believe that's the way it should go. Especially when you can't afford to do it and when it isn't a personal option.

So this past week was ok.. Didn't do that much but the end of the week is where all the action was. I did some hair and my mom was telling me how she has a interview and she needs to color her hair but she didn't have the funds. So I took it upon myself to spend my little dough & buy her the hair color. Then she reminded me that I needed to put gas back in the car since I took it, with my last $15 I filled it up. My issue with this (and all the other little things I do for her) is that I can't afford to do it. Yes, I make a couple bucks doing hair then and again; but it's not frequent enough to where I can make a living out of it. She doesn't even say thank you for it. Her reasoning behind it is that she is and has taken care of me and now it's my turn. With that she includes her buying me groceries and keeping a roof over my head like I'm the only child. She doesn't take to the fact that I didn't ask to be here and that this is her responsibility as a parent. Even tells me I'm wrong to think like that.

Since I've been talking about moving out and trying to get myself together (finally); it's like none of that matters. I need to contribute to the house so some of the load can be shared. But that load is going to be there if I'm still living at home or not. Back when I was working regularly, I noticed small things she use to do that were in my mind, very unfair. She would tell me that my part of the car insurance was more than it really was so she could pocket some money; make me pay her rent weekly, and ask for money for groceries or gas. Why would you do that to your child? I use to argue with her that most kids I knew didn't have to pay their parents rent. But her and my father both agreed on the issue so I did it. After I noticed her going shopping for clothes & shoes with my money, I stopped giving it to her and put it on bills instead. Even this caused disagreements and arguments. Now, I'm at the point where I need as many jobs as I can get to pay a majority of my debt down so I can leave. I seriously can't take it anymore. My little brother has more pull than I do around our house, I don't even get a choice and I'm grown.

I guess it's finally hit me that I do too much for her when I could be doing for myself more.

9 Random Facts about me!

1. My parents are divorced & have been for 10/11 years.
2. I love all types of music.
3. Spike Lee joints are my top choice movies.
4. My second choice movies are comedies.
5. Garlic is my nemesis.
6. I seriously laugh at everything I shouldn't laugh at.
7. If I'm not saying anything, I'm hearing and observing everything.
8. I'm not very talkative, unless I'm drunk.
9. I graduated HS in the class of 2004.

Randomness for 7/14/11

• Why can't I find my short banana clip?!
• I'll be buying some banana clips today.. I'm tired of ponytails & bobby pins.
• I'm hungry, but not hungry. So I won't be eating.
• Day 3 or 4 of no meat & I'm feeling great about it.
• These vaginal cramps can kiss my ass.
• May go apply for this Property Manager position since I do know a little about the field.
• We (my mother) has set the dates for our DC trip next month & my sister is going to meet us there.. Super amped about it.
• Pank dress with pank toes... A good and a bad thing to me: they match.
• I'm so tired of scratching where this eczema is.
• I need to do a real post even though I'm enjoying these random thought posts.
• Disco hasn't died, just moved... And I need more of it in my life..

My favorite old song the past couple of days:

Early morning randomness

• Fell asleep on the couch like a old bastard.
• My nose piercing almost closed up.
• My whole vagina is throbbing in pain right now. Wtf is going on down there?!!!
• I didn't wrap my hair up last night :(
• I think I'm ovulating. Yay -__-
• If I had money in my bank account, I would of brought Nikki Jean & Vandalyzm's latest work YESTERDAY!
• Why tell me you're going to do something and you don't? It's just a waste of my time & your breath.
• I need to paint my toes. My mom & I have the same color, ugh!
• I love my face more when I have my eyebrows done..

Mid Day Thoughts 7/12/11

1. The smell of garlic coming out my pores is sickening.
2. Buttered toast is all I want. And it's all I had this morning.
3. Hydrocortisone cream is a godsend for my eczema.
4. I'm all for loving who you choose to love, but the gay porn on my Tumblr dashboard is too fucking much.
5. Water & a banana.
6. Bottled water is the only water I drink outside of NYC tap water.
7. I finally figured out what works for my skin!!!
8. Forgot I have this almost empty jar of Nutella in my room as I finished my banana. :(
9. We need more bread. I'm on that 24 hour, all bread diet (said in my best Drake voice).
10. Should I try to post something up here everyday or is that too much??

Your responses would be nice on this last question.

Songs for women - Frank Ocean

I love this song.. I love this singer... I love the crew he's down with.

Random Thoughts 7/11/11

• Sinus headaches suck. I was in the bed all day.
• I "forgot" to go do this lil girl's hair today. I hate dealing with her mother, ugh!
• Totally missing out on some of the greater things in life like being in NY, spending time with my sister, going to summer concerts, going to see the Tribe Documentary (about A Tribe Called Quest, duh).
• This chick on Youtube doing videos & her mouth looks like she eats cigarettes for a living.
• Meat is gross!! Back to being a vegetarian I go.
• After all this time off, thinking, and reflecting on myself & my life; I still don't know what I want to do in life. How awesome :|
• Back on my vitamins too.. How bad is it for me to take prenatal vitamins when you aren't pregnant?
• I want to see Transformers 3 again.
• Split ends are a bitch!!!
• KILL PEOPLE, BURN SHIT, FUCK SCHOOL! (And I'm not even in school!!!)
• I'm tired of NSA sexual relationships. I said that like I'm in several, it's just one.
• Why won't someone surprise me & pay my phone bill?
• I love surprises, btw. I never get any.
• I had an anxiety attack when my Dad didn't show up the other weekend. I didn't tell anyone about it either.
• These Skittles I had earlier were by far the best bag of Skittles I have ever had in life.

I have a couple posts in Drafts that need to be finished...

Dilemma or not?

Back in high school, I use to be this blunt, super silly, forward girl who hung with the guys. I was so much of "one of the fellas", that whenever I would try to holla at a guy, they didn't take me seriously. Over time with much encouragement from my Mom & sister, I have slowly evolved into this girly, somewhat coy & shy woman.

The idea of being forward is not for me these days. I'm looking for a guy who will ask me out, because me asking him out is almost out of the question. But I'm noticing that most guys don't ask girls out like that anymore. Why is that? Especially when just approaching for general conversation, men don't do that anymore. Well at least not the men in my age range. They just stare in what I take as amazement & awe or disgust. I'm still not sure because I don't have the guts to ask. I know I hate the staring thing. If you see something you like, why not speak? And if they are staring because it's something they don't like, that's just rude. In recent days, I've been stared & waved at by several different guys in passing but no one has said anything. I HATE THAT! I guess I give off this look of disapproval or something, idk...

The Infamous Sex Post

I was thinking what I could possibly talk about on this entry..... Welp, here we go.

My very first time was 10 years ago (you do the math), I wanted to explore what penis was like and my boyfriend had no problem with it. It was exam week, so we got out of school early. He rode the bus home with me (without my mother's permission, duh) and when we got to the house I kind of wanted to bail on the act. But after a little persuasion with kisses and some head, I was like I think I can do this. With him being larger than expected, I 86'ed the giving of oral and told him to just do it already so we can get it over and done with. That initial penetration hurt so bad, I slid all the way off of my bed. He was getting frustrated because I was running from him, but that shit hurt worse than anything I ever felt in my life! After a little more head and trying to stretch me out, he went back to trying to take my Vcard. It was the 3rd worse sex I have ever had in my life. Once we were done, he asked me to braid his hair and I could barely stand. From that moment, I decided I would never have sex again........ We all know that was a lie. But I will say, the next time I had sex was about 2.5 years later. And it was just as bad the first couple times.

After all these years, I have learned some tricks to the trade of pleasure: find out what your partner loves and make it happen, be spontaneous, and make sure you both get yours!! I found out what I love, my go to orgasm getters and I try to let my partner know what they are so I can get mines and consider it GOOD SEX. Also, size does matter. I hate that women lie about that because I have had some of the smallest penises known to man & that experience was horrible. (I can't even call it sex because there was no penetration). The bigger the better. I don't think there is a such thing as being too big, too thick, too long; the vagina is a muscle that can stretch and mold to a penis...

Well, sex post is done and I'm horny.. Awesome! *goes to Pornhub*

Random Thoughts 7/6/11

• My Dad needs to hurry up & finish the work on my car....... Well his car that he's giving me.
• 2 jobs. Need them! BADLY!
• Pay my debt down before 6/1/2012.. I don't even know how possible that is.
• No vacations until my debt is gone!!
• MONEY IS MY MOTIVATION!!!
• Save to move out.. My mom is getting crazier by the weeks.
• Compiling a list of expenses and fees needed to move out, still haven't done this yet.
• NO DEBT!!! I swear I fucked myself in the ass with that car & credit cards... Never again.
• Saving money is so easy to do when you have nowhere and no one to spend it on...
• FIRST BIG BUY ONCE I START WORKING IS A LAPTOP THAT I CAN FILL WITH PORN & MUSIC.
• Sentara will never see that $1,500 for their crap ass service & I promise that...
• Since I'll probably be working like a slave, relationships will probably be on the back burner.. Those who love me will understand, hopefully.

Next post is lucky number 69, and will be dedicated to sex (but of course it is)...

Jealous & Ok with it.

I know recently all my posts have been about relationships & all that type of stuff.. It's because I want one, again. Today at church, this couple got engaged & I sat there like "Why not me?!". I'm not interested in dude, but I would love for this to happen to me. It really seems like all the women who shouldn't be married are getting "wifed up" and by women who shouldn't be married, I mean crazy & possibly being a whore.

Most people wouldn't admit they are jealous, but I'm super jealous. Especially after today, I'm like if a girl like her (crazy, loud, ghetto) can get engaged, why can't I? It may be my hormones, but I sat there like wtf?! I seriously had not 1 good wish for them because I can't.....

Isn't love about the risks?

Since I've been confined to my house & the occasional errand with Mom, I've been doing a lot of thinking. One of my main thoughts consists of falling in love & being in love.

Now 2 people (man, woman; man, man; woman, woman; etc) if they both share the same interests, have a genuine like for each other, and enjoy each other; what's stopping them from possibly falling in love. Isn't love about the risks? For instance, the risk of putting all your cards on the table, letting it all hang out. What's the worst that can happen: the other person doesn't want you in the same way as you want them? The other person wanting you back just as much?

I've been in 1 situation where I have said those 3 words & had them said back several times. Recently, I've decided I wouldn't be the one to say it first but I feel like that's stupid. If you love someone, let them know right? But why, if you know they may not say it back? Rejection hurts, not being in love hurts, shit... Even being in love hurts sometimes or is that not love if you ever hurt? My thoughts are really jumbled up right now about all this.