I want to go shopping!!

I need a job. I have never been a girl who loved shopping until I couldn't afford to do it. I'm almost (like coming up to the breaking point) ready to get a job anywhere so I can go shopping. And pay off all these new medical bills I accrued for being sick this Summer. (Is paying bills 'shopping'?) I need to pay all my debt off so I can go ahead with my plans to get out of Virginia (upcoming post on that).

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I let go & he got married.

Am I the only one with that one ex who no matter what, has always came back? It didn't matter what the situation was, but after the breakup, you knew there was still a chance?

So I randomly was browsing my Facebook news feed & I see that he changed his status from 'Engaged' to 'Married'. I knew about his engagement, straight from him and with me still having feelings & being jealous (still working on that) I just knew it wasn't going to happen. He even said he was kind of not in a rush to not go thru with it for some unknown reason. On one hand I thought/wished he would want to give us a try again.. But on the other hand, he said he was happy.

He's called me once before he got married and once after. I really don't even want to talk to him, guess that's why I've missed both calls and haven't called him back. Oh well, another one bites the dust.
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All of the 'Ifs'.

-If I had my own place, the plans I have for the weekend would be to do a little dinner party for my homeboy's birthday.
-If I lived in NY/NJ, going to my cousin's birthday party wouldn't be a second thought.

Those are 2 major 'Ifs' I wouldn't have to think about, but I do. Can't change them at the moment, but I will.

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Randomness for October?

Okay, I'm going to try to sum up this month in this 1 post without it being too long.... And here we go!

• First couple of weeks sucked: I looked for work & just chilled.
• Went to NY for 2 weeks & it was decent.
• Came back home and tried to get back in the groove of things but that took a week or so.
• My best friend move to NJ & invited me to move in with him. Seriously thinking about taking up his offer.
• Still having the want & desires to make clothes. Btw, I went to the now famous Mood Fabric Store in NY & fell in complete love with it.
• As of now, I'm still looking for work & getting kinda desperate for money since the holidays are coming around.
• Thanksgiving in NY and I'm beyond hype about that.

Change is good. Depression is bad.

I know I've been gone for a min. But I'm back with a vengeance (maybe). Today I was just reflecting on some things & with that I ran across a journal entry from January of this year & I'm so happy to not be in that place anymore. Depression is just horrible & I hated not feeling like my normal self. But for those people out there still suffering, you have my sympathy. I know all too well how it feels to want to just scream but its not enough.

My thoughts in January were all dark, scary, and suicide based. I was so unhappy with my life that I wanted to end it yet I felt like I couldn't do that to my family. Something that stood out to me today was:

I laugh when I really want to cry, I say something because the silence is killing me. I say nothing because the silence is comforting. I cry when the laughs aren't enough.

Sometimes I still feel like that, but I'm not wanting to hide from myself or my family & friends. So I'm doing a whole lot better & giving this life thing a chance.