I Use To Be A Hustla..

Before this bought with depression, anxiety, and unemployment; I use to be one money making chica. I worked a full time job and did hair on the side every chance I got. Ran to NY every chance I got because money wasn't a issue. Even had a guy who hated the fact that I didn't give him the attention and time he wanted, when I really was. (Went to work, braided hair, and went to see him during the witching hour which was perfect since he would be getting off work at that time.) I miss those days so much. I'm looking for a real job because this babysitting shit is so in the way, I want and need more money to live this lifestyle I somehow created for myself. Yeah, I'm living at home but I would love to be on my own, in my own space, doing whatever I please. I wonder what happened to my hustler ambition, it just disappeared over the last 2 years..

I may have to give up....

Braiding hair that is.. Not on life.. Carpal tunnel syndrome is no joke. My hands randomly ache for days on end from doing the slightest things. Its so bad that I almost couldn't finish a client's hair. I think I'm going to have to find alternative ways to do hair without killing myself in the process. The best solution I've came up with is to stop offering braids that take long periods of time to do aka the real money makers: kinky twists, box braids, micros, individuals; and stick to sew in weaves. They take half the time, I get a chance to cut and style, and I actually enjoy the transformation.. So, I am officially saying GOOD BYE to braiding hair. (Well unless a old client hits me up).

DIY: Skirts for the Fall

The cool weather is upon us and I'm excited about making a couple dozen (More like 4 or 5) skirts for the season. I have been neglecting my sewing machine since the beginning of Spring when I made my favorite/over worn maxi dress.


Youtube has been my inspiration, as always, finding some very useful ideas and such. I think I'm going to make a couple maxi skirts, a couple circle skirts, and possibly another pencil skirt. I may even make a maxi dress with long sleeves since I LOVE dresses..

Here's a link to some of my favorite Youtube videos on DIY sewing clothing projects. 

Pictures will be coming as soon as I start/finish said pieces.

Anxiety attacks....

Back in late 2010 while I was in NY, on the train, going to meet my sister for lunch.. I had a panic attack. A couple weeks later when I was back home, I had an anxiety attack after a interview. I tried to explain what happened to me to either my mother or sister and neither one of them seemed to understand. Then they were coming more and more and I couldn't understand why. I didn't feel anxious about anything, but I guess internally I was.

Jump to this year. I had a couple anxiety attacks due to the fact that I am a people pleaser who is currently getting dicked with helping people. I find myself being anxious about the future and something as simple as wanting to do my hair and not having the funds to make it happen. I've looked up ways to deal with anxiety attacks, and so far nothing helps. If I had medical insurance, I would definitely make it my point to go see a therapist; but since I don't, blogging & talking to certain people shall be my therapy sessions.

Common courtesies..

It's the small things in life that mean so much to me, for example: having good manners, being on time, being aware of your surroundings.. Recently, I've noticed that some people just don't care. I babysit for my neighbor and this woman has no idea how much it pisses me off that I come at the scheduled time and she either leaves late or comes back late, messing up my time/plans. I understand, you can't always be on time.. But is it that hard to try to be? She doesn't even let me know she'll be back late until it's the time she was supposed to come back. That's just rude.

Then an hour ago, I did a friend's hair. He didn't tell me how he wanted it done, so I did something simple and quick. It was very neat and plain. He pays, leaves my house, to go where ever to post on Facebook & Twitter that he needs his hair done like I didn't just do it. How rude? If you didn't like what I did before you left my house, why didn't you say so? Why didn't you tell me how you would like it in the first place? You're a paying customer for a service I'm providing; so why wouldn't you say anything?!

I really feel like some people are jerks and don't care. It's just in their nature, but I'm not a jerk (at least not on purpose) and I hate for people to treat me like that.. *sigh* Tis life I suppose..

Seek and ye shall find.

Randomly went "searching" on Twitter for ol' dude's girlfriend's profile.. Found it and started going thru her pictures.... Bad idea... I'm scanning her timeline, starting to put the puzzle together & BOOM! I figured it out. They moved in together. How do I feel about it? I'm not sure. At this exact moment, I feel kinda numb. It didn't really surprise me, but I did have a "oh." moment when I figured it out. Btw, I'm not even the "stalker/rummaging" type...

Moral of this story: Don't go looking for shit you don't have any business looking for, you will find everything you don't want to know about.

I. Must. Get. Out!

I feel trapped in this small town, with this little life that has nothing to offer me. I must get out. There are bigger & better things in the whole entire world that I must see. So far, I can count on one hand the obstacles I have in front of me... My issue is that I can't change them with a blink of my eyes.. Finance is a major issue. Under finance, is employment. If I had a job, I could totally fund my dream of leaving this little world. The main point is that I need to get out & I want to get out. I just need a way to make it happen.

Last night...

Early this morning (1:30am EST), my ex-sex buddy called me begging for sex because he & his girlfriend broke up.. He was talking about how I was right, she wasn't right for him, and how I need to let him come over & make us both happy (with sexual pleasure)... I then had to burst his bubble.

1. Just because you broke up with your girl & I'm single doesn't mean we're going back to that.
2. I'm not that hard up for sex.
3. I'm UBER serious about being celibate until I find someone worth my time & loving.
4. Lastly, I don't even want to have sex with him.

He seemed really desperate & literally begged me for 1 night of passion. I was so turned off that even if I was thinking about it, I wouldn't. 

Then earlier yesterday, I told my mom I'm serious about no intercourse & etc. She played devil's advocate & was asking why and when did I see myself breaking it like I'm just saying this shit because it sounds good. Smh, she doesn't even believe in me. 

NYC June 2012

I enjoyed myself so much! The trip was to basically check up on my Grandma (who is doing well), see my sister & other relatives. Truly had fun almost every single day, including the day I got white girl wasted and threw up all over myself.. Glad I'll be back there in about 2 weeks.     

Sis & I @ SOB's NYC

       Drinking @ Union Sq. Park                                                  

Fun times @ cookout.

My sister & I. 

I was doing good.....

Until I got a call from "the guy I was seeing" about 20 minutes ago. He just said "I need to talk to you when it's convenient. I'll call you in the morning.". My stomach literally turned over and I got angry all over again. I really feel like anything he has to say to me is worthless.. But I'm going to be an adult and talk to him, then more than likely curse him out.

But I was doing great before he called. I didn't think about him, talk about him, or anything except for 1 day when my cousin & sister were talking about their ex relationships. Outside of that, I wasn't even concentrating on him or any other man. Definitely taking my me-time seriously...

1 month & counting that I vowed to myself that I would not enter into another casual sex relationship. So far, I've been offered sex roughly 3 to 7 times, and declined every single one. Even came millimeters close to actual intercourse and turned it down. I'm doing well with it.... At least at the moment.. 

Why?

Why do people feel like its okay to lie to me? The guy I was dealing with lied to me about being in a relationship with this other girl. Then another guy I talk to online probably doesn't even know that I know, but I know he's in a relationship too. And he has yet to tell me, which I consider a lie. And today, my very own mother.... The woman who birthed me, lied to me about who she was with... Am I just a easy target to tell lies to or something? Do I look that dumb or naive? But just like I told my mother, I see and know a whole lot more than I'm given credit for... And just because I don't say anything about it, doesn't mean I don't know about it.

Update on life 5.30.12

• Looking for a job in VA, NY, and NJ. I don't even know why, getting a job out here these days is harder than concrete.
• I'm about 99.5% done with men. Some recent findings have really killed my hope for love and even more.
• I will say that I am in heavy like with this one guy but I have small doubts because of someone else. That's okay sometimes right? (I know it isn't but shit happens when someone deceives & hurt you.)
• I would love to stop talking about this topic, but it's been one of the reasons for my slight step back into depression recently. 
• Been doing hair like a crazy lady trying to fund a trip to NYC for a couple days/weeks. It was just a couple months back that I couldn't even stand to do anyone else's hair but I am.
• I turned 26 in April and I feel like I have accomplished nothing in life... 

On another note, I've been neglecting my sewing machine. (Matter of fact, I have a shirt I need to finish on the table right now) When I was in NY back in April, I got some material to make some leggings but forgot to bring it home. My new crafting love is making place mat clutch bags. Check this out:

Dear Married Women,

As a fellow woman I beg of you to not lose your way just because you are now "comfortable in your married life". Don't stop taking care of your hair, nails, and body just because you snagged one for life. You are now in a pair, how you look reflects on your spouse and vice versa. I'm not saying be dolled up every second, of every single day; but make it look like you care about how you look.

Now as a single woman, looking to be married; your husbands are noticing the little things that we singles are doing and probably wishing that you still did them like keeping our toes and nails done, how our hair is done, etc. It's the little things that we do, that make married men have a wandering eye or penis.

Looking for a job is a job!

Filling out applications alone is a task. The stress from not hearing back from the places you applied to, calling the businesses to check the status of your application and getting the run around. All are things that are work related stress issues. The upside is that I've had 2 interviews in the past 2 weeks and I didn't get the first one. I seriously think my "ethnic hairstyle" was the reason for that and I have yet to hear anything back from this last one. I hope I get this one because it's right up my alley with positions I've held before.

I have issues.

I randomly sat down with my mother today and talked about my problems with dating and serious relationships.  I've came to the conclusion that I sabotage my relationships for no apparent reason, choose the wrong guys because I'm a glutton for punishment, and idk how to just date. Isn't the first step to recovery admitting you have a problem? 11 more steps to go, right?